Flare-ups ≠ Failure!

Dear Ones, I am currently having one of the worst #autoimmune flare-ups I’ve experienced yet. This is not to invite pity, but to connect and maybe even validate your experience!
 
COVID19 is no joke: the state of the world, the Unknowns, of the Arts, the unemployment, the stress, the insanity of our political climate— it’s stressful! And stress is one of the leading cause of flares.
 
Many things (and I mean: oh my goodness SO. MANY. CURRENT. THINGS) are not in our control. We cannot choose what happens to us, but we can control our response.
 
Sometimes you get #flareups when you’re doing everything “right.” You are doing the diet, you are following all the protocols. In our society we prioritize success stories, and and lift up people that appear to do life “perfectly.” We believe that there is a *linear path* to wellness (often we are even SOLD this idea because, capitalism). Sometimes you can do everything "right" and still experience a flare. You’re NOT a failure, you’re learning to care for your unique body in a way that works for you. It’s all data.
 
#Health and wellness are complex, nuanced and take a lifetime to embody. Nobody has it all figured out. Wellness is not linear. It is holistic.
 
Setbacks are just that: a setback. A chance to regroup, pivot, get grateful and grow.  Setbacks do not mean that you’re not doing, or trying, hard enough. ⁠
⁠
My current health doesn’t make me a FLAREure! It makes me a human being, doing my best in a set of tough circumstances, on a journey, riding the roller coaster of life. 

With a chronic illness. 

In 20FREAKING20. ⁠
 
I would love you offer you what *I myself* need to hear today:
     💫 Offer yourself grace.
     💫 There is no perfect path. To health or to anything.
⁠
Let’s continue to support each other in this comprehensive health journey. 

Heck, on every—journey. 

We could all use some grace. 

Labor [Day] of Love

On this Labor Day, 2020, I imagine we are all feeling peculiar things about the concept of “labor” in a world largely on pause.

Many of us as performing artists have been abandoned and ridiculed by our government for not having a “real job.” To that I reply with Nick Westrate's brilliant quote:
 
“A labor of love is still labor.”
 
So on this unusual Labor Day, let’s talk about this glorious labor of love.
 
During “Master Class,” the genius that is Tyne Daly taught me a phrase that her actress-mother taught her:
 
    “Deeper. Fuller. Richer. Better.”
 
I think that sums it up as well as anything ever could. It’s my intention, it is my aspiration, it is my devotion.
 
Over the years, I’ve learned this:
 

Give fewer F*CKS and way more DAMNS!
 
To give fewer F*CKS about the stuff that does NOT truly matter (praise, awards, fame, followers), and a lot more *DAMNS* about the stuff that does (ethics, courage, growth, lessons learned, relationships made, contributions to society at large). It’s less about me and more about how I can stay connected to my core values and above all, to SERVE.

So. On this Labor Day I am vowing to continue to create and make works that matter to me personally as well as socially. I want to continue to learn new things and sharpen old knives. I intend to make personal, profound, universal, connective, and relevant work that matters to humanity on any scale.
 
I intend to keep walking my talk.
 
What about you, friends?
 
Happy Labor Day, one and all.
May we all continue to labor in love.

Things I Miss: a List, Part 1

Jake. Gone too soon.

- Our beautiful ginger cat (who came to mom and I after Papa died), Jake. He was "The Man" of the family and an absolute sweetheart. Gone too soon at only 7. 


- Answering machines (and their answering machine messages)

    We had a particularly spectacular one in the 90s. I wrote the lyrics and sang it at the age of 10 or 11? Not sure. It was performed at 100-no-marking (obviously, some things never change) to a karaoke CASSETTE of the theme song from “The Addams Family. I then leisurely popped that masterpiece into our answering machine and used it as our answering machine message for OH, maybe nine years? Like, even when my Dad had cancer.
The lyrics went like this: 

    “You called us when we weren’t here
    but there is no need to fear 
    we’ll get right back to you, dear
    The Silber Family. 

    Oh 647-6759
    we’re sure to call you back on time
    and it won’t even cost a dime
    The Silber Family — WAIT FOR THE BEEP
        *snap snap*

    People used to hang up and call BACK to an encore. I vividly remember my Dad’s oncology nurses calling back and hearing nothing but their collective, explosive laughter. That was nice.
    It’s about as famous as I could ever feel at the time without being a creepy child actor. Because I was VOICEMAIL MESSAGE FAMOUS.


- Handshakes 

- Combing the shelves of Blockbuster and picking out videos to rent (and probably picking up some RedVines, let’s be real…)

Fetzer.

- Sometimes, my long hair 

- My friend, David Fetzer (and holding his hand which fit so perfectly in my own)

- Trick-or-treating

- Dad. Always.

- This particular version of myself:

The “HOPE-O-COASTER.”

 Here we go again. These are (just the *non hospital-administered*) medications associated with my auto immune disease: Ulcerative Colitis.

One of the leading causes of flareups is stress, and despite “doing everything right,” the stress of a global Pandemic has me flaring—and out of remission—or the first time in years.

To say that I’m heartbroken, crushed and disappointed...is putting it mildly. The excruciating physical symptoms and side effects of the drugs are *nothing* compared to the emotional “HOPE-O-COASTER.” Nothing compared to living in a constant state of health-related vigilance married with hope... followed by what feels like crushing “failure” when a proposed solution doesn’t work out.

But I am not a failure! And I share this today because if YOU are living with chronic illness and experiencing setbacks—NEITHER ARE YOU. These were challenging times even before the Coronavirus pandemic, and no solution is one size fits all. The human body is a miracle, and can also be a great big jerk! It’s both. It’s all.

Normally I would keep this information private, but I realized years ago that when I shared my #autoimmunewarrior journey, SO many of you out there were/are suffering in silence all alone (just like I used to!) —out of shame, embarrassment, and fear of being misunderstood or losing friends or work opportunities. I am here to de-stigmatize.

I’m here to tell you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am not ashamed of what my body does against my will. I am still loved, I can still adore and support my friends; AND, not only can I still work, but (if I may say so!) I am crushing it! I have discovered unknown strengths and grace! 💪🏼 I don’t think my current colleagues would know a thing was wrong with me if I didn’t inform them because Chrons and colitis is manageable and can even illuminate untold levels of integrity and capacity.

I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I am THRIVING inside this. 

And so can you dear fellow warriors. 

I love you.

Finally, auto-immunity compromises the immune system. That makes me (and all others like me with all auto-immune diseases) in the high risk group for COVID. Please think of me when you wear a mask.

 

Things I want to remember about this week 8/10 - 8/17, 2020: A List

 - Leaving a Pittsfield Mass Walgreen and seeing a man with a baby stroller buying 27 cans of Fruit Punch flavored Arizona ice tea… and in the baby stroller was not a baby? But a CAGED SQUIRREL

- Talking with Alec about expanding buying a car! (An adorable vintage 1985 BMW 528e we are named Brunhilde thankyouverymuch)

- Hearing the story of Alexandra and Etai getting engaged (eeeeee)

- The appointment of Kamala Harris as Joe Biden's 2020 running-mate. (HERSTORY!)

- SINGING IN A REHEARSAL ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE MARCH 13 2020 and having absolutely zero words to describe the 10,000 sensations. 

One second it’s:

“OH MY GOD THE THEATRE!!!!”

The next:

“This isn’t the same... will it EVER be the same?”

The next:

“But I’m HERE!”

The next:

“Will I DIE?! Is this safe?"

- COVID-negative approved HUGS

- The extremely grouchy man at the wonderful Round Tuit

- Face-timing with Katie and Alan and Tom 

- Drinks and deep talks with Alysha and Storm (defining the very special joys of out-of-town theatre)

- Socially-distant visits with friends I haven't seen in what feels like years! 

- Making art. However cautiously. 

- Bringing my vocal chords together to make music. Incredibly emotionally.

- Parting from Alec for the first time in 145 days (and when we parted, weeping like a toddler being dropped off on the first ever day of school)

Truly: WTF.