Showing posts with label Domestic Happenings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domestic Happenings. Show all posts
03 April, 2020
20 March, 2020
Domestic Happenings: Rock, Paper, Scissors, ...SHOE?
22 February, 2020
24 January, 2020
Domestic Happenings: Captain Sonar
23 December, 2019
Domestic Happenings: The Zen Cat Waterfall Incident
Behold: the Zen Cat Waterfall “Incident” of 2019
Al and Alec “discuss” a new addition to their home for Tatiana Angela Lansbury Romanov— a cat water fountain.... or is it a waterFALL?
A ZEN waterfall/water-fountain to be precise.
In shock, Al plays it cool. Meanwhile, Alec has *zero* cool, because CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT THE KIDS YOU GUYS. 😶
Al and Alec “discuss” a new addition to their home for Tatiana Angela Lansbury Romanov— a cat water fountain.... or is it a waterFALL?
A ZEN waterfall/water-fountain to be precise.
In shock, Al plays it cool. Meanwhile, Alec has *zero* cool, because CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT THE KIDS YOU GUYS. 😶
05 February, 2012
The Jehovah’s Witness
A Memoir.
Late October, 2001
[At rise: Al is at home sometime during Week 1 of The Aftermath. The doorbell rings. It is getting colder as October churns onward, leaves are falling and nights are drawing in. Alone, in pajamas and glasses she cannot remember changing in or out of. She answers it and her stomach flinches: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. But it is.]
Al: Hi.
Jehovah’s Witness: Good morning!
Al: [under her breath] Not really— [though not really caring who hears her…]
JW: —Have you heard of Jesus Christ?
Al: [thinks and answers carefully] …I’ve… read his book.
JW: [looking Al up and down, assessing her age, he looks about him, confused.] Wait: why aren’t you in school?
Al: My dad is dead.
JW: [unfazed] But you are a teenager.
Al: In college.
JW: Then why aren’t you in college?
Al: I’m taking some time off.
JW: Why?
Al: Because my Dad is dead.
[Al wants to say "No, asshole, I'm at home because I just hate responsibility that much," but she doesn’t. She awkward pauses with this evangelist and let’s it stew. Then—]
JW: Would you like to see your father again?
Al: [She hates him] Is this a joke?
JW: No! [Joyfully] You can see your father again if you give your soul over to Jesus Christ! Here, see the drawing in this pamphlet?
 |
| Not in the mood, Sir... |
Al: Um, you need to go.
[Ignoring her]
JW: May I come in?
[Having lost the will to live anyway she shrugs her shoulders and says]
Al: ... Sure.
[The JW does the WHOLE speech. He stands up, he acts stuff out. He is impassioned and expressive and oddly, sort of beautiful without being the kind of desperate one might expect. But Al just sits there--cross-legged and perched in the center of the sofa in her week-old clothes, numb, no will of her own to stop it, hoping this will soon be over. Finally, it ends.]
JW: So, do you have any questions?
Al: Yes. [For a second she considers asking him if he’d like to hear a ‘Knock Knock’ joke, but thinks better of it. These are not the people you start ‘Knock Knock’ jokes with…] Does it feel good?
JW: [taken aback] I’m sorry?
Al: To have done the whole speech?
JW: What do you mean?
Al: You must not ever be able to get the whole thing out; so many people slam doors in your faces. I mean you are…well, you are like the original telemarketers. Does it feel good to have done the whole Thing?
[He stares at Al. There is a part of him that can see he cannot hide from her— a person so raw they are incapable of judgment either passed or received and he looks, for an instant, uneasy. But this quickly fades as he sees the humor and truth in her question. This man is her neighbor and there is a part of him that is so gentle and well meaning it breaks her heart. He smiles and all his theatricality wanes.]
JW: It does, you know.
Al: What?
JW: Feel good.
Al: Good.
JW: Thank you.
Al: Thank you.
[They smile at one another]
…But now you probably should go.
JW: Okay.
[He will always have his friends at the Kingdom Hall...]
 |
| ...I mean...I mean: wow... |
21 May, 2009
Domestic Happening, Episode 9: Star Trek
It went like this:
**STAR TREK SPOILERS**
D: Wanna go to bed?
A: Sure. Wanna watch something in bed?
D: Sure. What?
A: Lost?
D: The Pilot of Lost?!
A: No. Star Trek?
D: Really?!! Excellent! Which one?
A: 6?
[Horrified pause]
D: What...?
A: ...six...?
D: Um, Al.... which Star Trek did we watch yesterday?
A: 2?
D: And... what about 3 4 and 5? You wanna just miss those out?
A: But you said 6 was your favourite. [D throws a stern look A's way] ...didn't you?
[thought gathering. there has clearly been a communication breakdown here. "This is MY fault" thinks Damian, I will try again to share the importance of the sequential order thing...he speaks again, VERY. SLOWLY...]
D: ...At the end of the movie when MISTER SPOCK DIES...AND HE TOUCHES McCOY and SAYS "REMEMBER..." ... um.... you don't... ya know?... wanna.... know what happens there....?
A: [Searching for the right answer] ...not particularly.....?
D: [Sigh] Okay, Al. What is the title of Star Trek 3 [Gets Star Trek 3]?
A: "The Search for Spock"!
D: Yes. [Patiently reads the back of the DVD jacket] "IN the wake of Spock's ultimate act of sacrifice, the crew of the USS Enterprise returns to Earth from the newly formed Genesis planet. Upon arrival, the crew learns that life back home will not be easier: Scotty get reassigned, Doctor Bones McCoy appears to be going insane, and the Enterprise is to be decommissioned. It is only when Kirk is to be confronted by Spock's father that he learns his old friend may have another chance at life. If the crew can survive the Klingon interference, and return to the Genesis planet..." I mean, my GOD Al! How can you NOT want to see what happens next?
A: [Thoughtful pause] But... you said 6 was your favourite...?
D: [Hangs head in shame] You cut me deep Al.... you cut me deep...
Fin.
04 February, 2009
Domestic Happenings, Episode 7: Beep Beep
A Winter Special.
Sometimes Domestic Happenings are just... you know....random...
Sometimes Domestic Happenings are just... you know....random...
29 December, 2008
Domestic Happenings: Episode 6, Damian Explains Why It's Funny...
D does this thing that I have to share with you. It is so dear. It is so deliciously endearing and simultaneously insanity inducing. No, it has nothing to do with socks on the floor or vacuuming left undone; and to be fair to this poor boy whom I am about to publicly eviscerate he is a very good roommate indeed.
No. D possesses a sense of humour one could only ever describe as DEAR. Comic timing? You betcha. Quality of material? ...Not so much...
So what is this THING you ask? Well. My favourite thing D does in the whole of the world is the following:
1. He will tell you a joke that is not even REMOTELY funny, in fact it is probably pretty stupid.
2. He will do a little FACE that says "I AM DONE WITH THE JOKE AND YOU MAY NOW SHOWER ME WITH LAUGHTER"
3. He will repeat the face.
4. His face will fall slightly because you did not laugh at the joke.
5. He will collect himself slightly and prepare to be VERY PATIENT with you.
and, wait, here is the very best part of it all...
6. HE WILL, with FULL SINCERITY, SLOWLY EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY THE JOKE WAS FUNNY, AND INSINUATE THAT YOU SIMPLY MIS-HEARD TO MIS-UNDERSTOOD THE JOKE WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON ON EARTH WHY YOU WOULD NOT HAVE LAUGHED.
7. His face will fall even further when you explain that you both heard and understood said "joke" perfectly well, and simply did not find it funny.
The process goes something like this; this is a dramatization based on actual events:
[D & A pass a poster for Matthew Bourne's Dorian Gray]
D: He's a REAL DARK fellow...
A: Who?
D: Dorian GRAY...[Wink-wink proud of myself face #1]
A: huh. [Unamused face.]
D: Dorian GRAAAAAAAAAY [Extra emphasis Face #2]
A: Yes.... I...
D: Um... Al? [Disappointed face #3]
A: Yes?
D: [Collects himself] You see, Dorian Gray is the main character's NAME in the piece, and the word GRAY is not ONLY his last name but also like the COLOUR gray, which is DARK... so you see... that is why it is funny... it is a play on words... sort of thing...
A: Yes. I understood. I just... I'm so sorry... I didn't think it was that funny....
D: [Fallen face #4]
The End.
19 October, 2008
Domestic Happenings, Episode 5: Acting it Out
Oh. DEAR. So D and I do this thiiiiing that goes a lot like this:D: [Insert stupid thing here]
A: [pause] Uh... I'm sorry what?
D: [Stupid thing again]
One thing I really love about D, and I mean I really love it, is that whenever you ask him to do something again he not only does it, he does it at again at 100%.
A: Okay okay let's do that again!! Okay YOU be the X and I'll be the Y and we will ACT it OUT!
D: Okay okay!
Sometimes it is a scene from a film.Sometimes from a little amusing anecdote from our lives.
Sometimes it is a little scene we have made up ourselves....for fun...
But regardless, when we say we are gonna ACT it OUT, we DO.
At 100.
Love it.
30 August, 2008
Domestic Happening, Episode 8: The Hills are Ailve...
...with the sound of crazy...
Forgive me....but, I mean, I had to share....
Forgive me....but, I mean, I had to share....
22 January, 2008
Domestic Happenings, Episode 4: What a dump!
[At rise: Al is making her way to the bus stop, ready to head to the gym. She even has a skip in her step. Little does she know, the kind of skip her step truly possesses. And low, the 67 approaches.]
Al: S#%*. [She searches her huge bag for her Oystercard. At first calmly, and then frantically. ]
Bus Driver: ... C'mon.
Al: Just a sec... please, [More frantic searching] ...one sec.
Bus Driver: [Obvious deep loud sigh]
Other Polite North London Passengers: Move it! C'mon hurry up! What's taking so long?!!
Al: Sorry. [Al exits the bus, feeling diminished, embarrassed and frustrated. Not only is her neighborhood veeeeerrrrryy well spoken and understanding, but more importantly Where could the Oyster be?!!]
[Al returns home, and ransacks the flat. The Oystercard is not to be found. She sighs:]
Al: *Sigh...*
[And it occurs to her. Like a doom-filled dawn. She took out the rubbish before heading to the bus stop, and in her enthusiasm, thrust the Oystercard in to the community garbage tip. Yes. She can see it now. A flash of light month-pass-blue flinging through the air in to the huge, collective garbage dumpster for her little corner of the ghetto. She speaks aloud to herself:]
Al: So... note to self: do not dump Oystercard with rubbish. Just like we learned in 2005 about not recycling one's passport. This is just like that... but less expensive... and dirtier... ARGH!
[She approaches the dumpster. It smells like rotting. There are over a dozen industrial size bags of garbage. And her Oystercard is somewhere in here... She has to get in. She winces, covers her nose and mouth with her scarf and pushes herself up onto the edge with her arms, and unceremoniously tumbles in to the tip FACE DOWN.]
Al: BLAHHHHHH!!!!
[She takes a moment to contemplate her situation whilst face down in the dump: "This is silly. Like, stupid-silly. Like, thump-your-forehead-with-the-palm-of-your-hand-silly. Like, I’m-going-to-throw-the-Oystercard-that-inspired-this-adventure-in-the-Thames-and-I-just-might-go-with-it-silly." And just as she begins digging, the mobile phone in her pocket rings:]
Al: Hello?
Al's Agent: Hi there Alexandra, it's Amanda here.
Al: Uh... oh hi! Hi there.
Agent: Is this a good time?
Al: [It's as good a time as any] Well... it's funny you see... I--
Agent: Where are you? You sound really echoey.
Al: Well... well, Amanda if you must know.... I... am... in a tip. [PAUSE.] A dumpster. Outside my house... My dumpster.
Agent: Right. Well... would you like to ring me back at a... more convenient time...?
Al: Um, no. Now is fine, I mean, I'm in here so... might as well have a brief chat I guess. What is, uh, up?
Agent: Uh-huh... well....
[Agent proceeds to give Al professional updates and casting information, she wishes Al the best, and hastily hangs up.]
Agent: Take care, then,
Al: You too. Bye bye.
[And then she sees it. At the bottom. Covered in dumpster sludge. She digs through to the bottom and retrieves it. Grimacing, she slides out. Success. And now to the shower... ]
Al: S#%*. [She searches her huge bag for her Oystercard. At first calmly, and then frantically. ]
Bus Driver: ... C'mon.
Al: Just a sec... please, [More frantic searching] ...one sec.
Bus Driver: [Obvious deep loud sigh]
Other Polite North London Passengers: Move it! C'mon hurry up! What's taking so long?!!
Al: Sorry. [Al exits the bus, feeling diminished, embarrassed and frustrated. Not only is her neighborhood veeeeerrrrryy well spoken and understanding, but more importantly Where could the Oyster be?!!]
[Al returns home, and ransacks the flat. The Oystercard is not to be found. She sighs:]
Al: *Sigh...*
[And it occurs to her. Like a doom-filled dawn. She took out the rubbish before heading to the bus stop, and in her enthusiasm, thrust the Oystercard in to the community garbage tip. Yes. She can see it now. A flash of light month-pass-blue flinging through the air in to the huge, collective garbage dumpster for her little corner of the ghetto. She speaks aloud to herself:]
Al: So... note to self: do not dump Oystercard with rubbish. Just like we learned in 2005 about not recycling one's passport. This is just like that... but less expensive... and dirtier... ARGH!
[She approaches the dumpster. It smells like rotting. There are over a dozen industrial size bags of garbage. And her Oystercard is somewhere in here... She has to get in. She winces, covers her nose and mouth with her scarf and pushes herself up onto the edge with her arms, and unceremoniously tumbles in to the tip FACE DOWN.]
Al: BLAHHHHHH!!!!
[She takes a moment to contemplate her situation whilst face down in the dump: "This is silly. Like, stupid-silly. Like, thump-your-forehead-with-the-palm-of-your-hand-silly. Like, I’m-going-to-throw-the-Oystercard-that-inspired-this-adventure-in-the-Thames-and-I-just-might-go-with-it-silly." And just as she begins digging, the mobile phone in her pocket rings:]
Al: Hello?
Al's Agent: Hi there Alexandra, it's Amanda here.
Al: Uh... oh hi! Hi there.
Agent: Is this a good time?
Al: [It's as good a time as any] Well... it's funny you see... I--
Agent: Where are you? You sound really echoey.
Al: Well... well, Amanda if you must know.... I... am... in a tip. [PAUSE.] A dumpster. Outside my house... My dumpster.
Agent: Right. Well... would you like to ring me back at a... more convenient time...?
Al: Um, no. Now is fine, I mean, I'm in here so... might as well have a brief chat I guess. What is, uh, up?
Agent: Uh-huh... well....
[Agent proceeds to give Al professional updates and casting information, she wishes Al the best, and hastily hangs up.]
Agent: Take care, then,
Al: You too. Bye bye.
[And then she sees it. At the bottom. Covered in dumpster sludge. She digs through to the bottom and retrieves it. Grimacing, she slides out. Success. And now to the shower... ]
16 January, 2008
Domestic Happenings. Episode 3: Star Wars
[At rise: Damian and Al welcome Lilly into their home as a guest. After the show one night they decide to watch a film. But which film? The choice is difficult. In fact, it takes over half an hour to decide. Until finally: ]
A: Well what about Star Wars?
L: We've all seen it like a zillion times.
A: I've never seen Star Wars, actually.
D & L: WHAT???! AL! OH MY GOD!
[...and then... the madness begins...Damian and Lilly's excitement grows exponentially in both enthusiasm and pitch. I invite you to use your imagination here, creating in your mind an exchange that might be between two teenage girls speaking of some sort of excitable teenage happening...]
L: Wait! (deep inhalation) Is that the limited edition TIN?!
D: Um, YEAH! It has both versions! And this is the one they saw in the theatres!!! NO new digital shit!
L: Good! 'Cause ohmigod Jabba the HUT!
D: YEAH! And at the end of Jedi when they added all those new civilizations, that was such shit!
L: I KNOW.
D: [sitting up, enraptured] And! and! and at the end? when they digitally added Hayden Christiansen's FACE?!!
L: [Exhalation] UHHHHHH. [Reflective moment] It's like the best sci-fi movie possibly ever.
D: TOTALLY. It started a whole new wave of... you know, The Matrix and the whole concept of "the ONE."
L: Yeah it's all the same thing.
D: Yeah... [Contentment passes over both of them. Confusion passes over me...]
A: ... Do you guys have any idea what you sound like...?
[PAUSE]
D: Cool..?
[Jury still out...]
A: Well what about Star Wars?
L: We've all seen it like a zillion times.
A: I've never seen Star Wars, actually.
D & L: WHAT???! AL! OH MY GOD!
[...and then... the madness begins...Damian and Lilly's excitement grows exponentially in both enthusiasm and pitch. I invite you to use your imagination here, creating in your mind an exchange that might be between two teenage girls speaking of some sort of excitable teenage happening...]
L: Wait! (deep inhalation) Is that the limited edition TIN?!
D: Um, YEAH! It has both versions! And this is the one they saw in the theatres!!! NO new digital shit!
L: Good! 'Cause ohmigod Jabba the HUT!
D: YEAH! And at the end of Jedi when they added all those new civilizations, that was such shit!
L: I KNOW.
D: [sitting up, enraptured] And! and! and at the end? when they digitally added Hayden Christiansen's FACE?!!
L: [Exhalation] UHHHHHH. [Reflective moment] It's like the best sci-fi movie possibly ever.
D: TOTALLY. It started a whole new wave of... you know, The Matrix and the whole concept of "the ONE."
L: Yeah it's all the same thing.
D: Yeah... [Contentment passes over both of them. Confusion passes over me...]
A: ... Do you guys have any idea what you sound like...?
[PAUSE]
D: Cool..?
[Jury still out...]
10 December, 2007
Domestic Happenings, Episode 2: Christmas Tree Debacle
[At rise: Al and Damian at Wilkinson, a local home goods shop, to purchase this year's Christmas tree.]
A: What?! 3 feet or 6 feet. Those are the only options?
D: Looks like it.
A: 3 feet is dinky and stupid. 6 feet is ridiculous.
D: Yes.
A: What do we do?
D: I don't know.
A: Let's get a real one!
D: I've never had a real tree before!
A: That settles it then.
A & D: Excellent!
[They march out of the store with newfound Christmas Purpose]
***
[A street market on Wood Green High Road. Make no mistake, Wood Green is dodgy. Questionable in too many ways to articulate. But it's Christmas and this corner is selling pine trees. They smell beautiful. Like Michigan.]
Dodgy Wood Green Tree Seller: Right. You 'ave the 3 foot ones in the pots for £14, or the 6 foot ones 'ere for £18. The needles won't fall off either [pronounced "ee-vuh"].
[??!! Fantastic.]
A: Right. That's helpful. [Square One. My favourite place.]
D: Well... I mean, at least it will be real. And we can replant it afterwards.
A: [to Tree Seller] Can we LOOK at the small trees without the net?
TS: No.
A: Really?
TS: 'fraid not.
A: Uh huh...
D: Real trees love the earth...?
A: ... and we're supporting our local community by buying from this woman on the street...?
D: and we can replant it in January...?
A: ...but we can't LOOK at it.
D: Right.
A: Right.
D: Let's just get this one. [indicated to dinky potted tree.]
A: Okay.
[Money exchanged. Awkward journey home with ethical potted mystery tree.]
* * *
[At home. The Spot selected. Arrangements made. Mystery Tree is placed on a small side table, the one it will majestically stand on for the next few weeks. String net is removed, branches flattened. A pause.]
A & D: [Silence]
[They stand there side by side. Arms crossed. Examining the tree. It looks like a mangled stray dog. It looks worse than a Charlie Brown tree. It looks like they bought it from a dodgy street market. It looks awful. But can they say it? What is the other thinking? Do we love it anyway or tell the truth? If we tell the truth will we crush the others' hopes?!]
A: Wow.
D: Mmmm.
A: It will be great.
D: Mmmm.
* * *
[Lying in bed later that night. The darkness brings out the truth...]
A: Damian...?
D: Yes Al.
A: Damian, I-- I--
D: --hate the tree?
A: I HATE THE TREE!!!
D: I ALSO HATE THE TREE!!!
* * *
Today we bought the socially unethical, environmentally unfriendly, highly dependable, fake tree.
The real one it outside, waiting to be planted. Our mitzvah.
A: What?! 3 feet or 6 feet. Those are the only options?
D: Looks like it.
A: 3 feet is dinky and stupid. 6 feet is ridiculous.
D: Yes.
A: What do we do?
D: I don't know.
A: Let's get a real one!
D: I've never had a real tree before!
A: That settles it then.
A & D: Excellent!
[They march out of the store with newfound Christmas Purpose]
***
[A street market on Wood Green High Road. Make no mistake, Wood Green is dodgy. Questionable in too many ways to articulate. But it's Christmas and this corner is selling pine trees. They smell beautiful. Like Michigan.]
Dodgy Wood Green Tree Seller: Right. You 'ave the 3 foot ones in the pots for £14, or the 6 foot ones 'ere for £18. The needles won't fall off either [pronounced "ee-vuh"].
[??!! Fantastic.]
A: Right. That's helpful. [Square One. My favourite place.]
D: Well... I mean, at least it will be real. And we can replant it afterwards.
A: [to Tree Seller] Can we LOOK at the small trees without the net?
TS: No.
A: Really?
TS: 'fraid not.
A: Uh huh...
D: Real trees love the earth...?
A: ... and we're supporting our local community by buying from this woman on the street...?
D: and we can replant it in January...?
A: ...but we can't LOOK at it.
D: Right.
A: Right.
D: Let's just get this one. [indicated to dinky potted tree.]
A: Okay.
[Money exchanged. Awkward journey home with ethical potted mystery tree.]
* * *
[At home. The Spot selected. Arrangements made. Mystery Tree is placed on a small side table, the one it will majestically stand on for the next few weeks. String net is removed, branches flattened. A pause.]
A & D: [Silence]
[They stand there side by side. Arms crossed. Examining the tree. It looks like a mangled stray dog. It looks worse than a Charlie Brown tree. It looks like they bought it from a dodgy street market. It looks awful. But can they say it? What is the other thinking? Do we love it anyway or tell the truth? If we tell the truth will we crush the others' hopes?!]
A: Wow.
D: Mmmm.
A: It will be great.
D: Mmmm.
* * *
[Lying in bed later that night. The darkness brings out the truth...]
A: Damian...?
D: Yes Al.
A: Damian, I-- I--
D: --hate the tree?
A: I HATE THE TREE!!!
D: I ALSO HATE THE TREE!!!
* * *
Today we bought the socially unethical, environmentally unfriendly, highly dependable, fake tree.
The real one it outside, waiting to be planted. Our mitzvah.
31 October, 2007
Domestic Happenings, Episode 1: Scene From City Life
Scene 1:
A: morning...
D: w38*^%9uh#$&*^klj!)#*(df&$#^%&*!@n...
Scene 2:
(At rise: D thoughtfully, and with intensity, searches the internet...)
A: Hello... (A looks on with an expectant smile and figety demeanor. Pause.)
D: ...Hello.
(A makes a few feeble attempts to garner praise and attention. 'Why must the internet be so INTERESTING?!' she thinks. More is required... how will she scheme...? 'Ah...' she thinks, 'the attention DANCE!' Slowly, and with a certain joi de vivre, she begins...[INSERT ATTENTION DANCE HERE]...)
D: uh... huh. Um... do you want some attention...?
A: (breathless, attention dance ceases) Um... well... yes please.
D: Pfft... (head collapses in simultaneous frustration and delight)
Scene 3:
D: I will not answer in words, but in actions.
(Bath run, with candles... yum.)
Scene 4:
(At rise: D & A approach the pizza shop 'Pizza, on Demand!'...)
D/A: We DEMAND PIZZA! (both struggle to smother fits of laughter...)
(The Pizza Man is deadpan. He either speaks little English, or is utterly unamused. If The Pizza Man does speak English, he is thinking two things at this outrageous display: 1. 'These two people are making fun of the name of my store.' 2. 'This is simply not funny.' If he does not speak English, he is probably thinking something along the lines of 'What?!')
Pizza Man: Yeah. So... what kind of pizza...?
Scene 5:
A: Really?
D: (mouth full) ... uh... yeth...
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