California 2021

 No words. Just family. Sunlight. Mountains. Friends. Sea. And joy.

Present and pain-free: an example

This is a photo of me on February 4, 2021. My wedding day! It was also the exact halfway point between my first and second bowel surgeries.

Look at that lady: radiating health and happiness! That’s the real me.

And yes, in that photo of a healthy happy woman in her prime, there is also a life-saving ostomy bag beneath the (glamorous AF) gown.

I think there is a time when that detail would’ve concerned me a great deal— but on February 4, 2021? All I felt was alive and in love.
 
I am overjoyed in this photo— not only because I am marrying a man I adore, but equally because I feel so FULLY ALIVE. So PAIN FREE and PRESENT for the first time in so very long. I am not thinking about my gut, about being curled in the fetal position, or worried that I’ll be in so much pain I won’t be “present” on my wedding day…
 
No. I am experiencing joy! And I know that my courage, endurance, and the unparalleled skills of my medical team helped me feel this FREE. I wish I could take past Al by the hand—the Al convinced no one would ever love her or commit to her because of colitis—and whisper to her scared self “Giiiiiiirrrrrrrrrl wait ‘til you see yourself in your wedding dreeeeeessssss.”

Alec said over and over again

“We MUST not wait to get married until you no longer have the ostomy—I LOVE that stoma. It saved the love of my life! Give yourself the gift of loving yourself unconditionally THAT MUCH.”

He’s smart.

If you think for one moment that living with illness, IBD, an ostomy, or enduring multiple major surgeries will rob you of life’s joys: think again. It GAVE me this joy. Over and over again I have learned that *true* beauty begins with true health, self-acceptance, happiness and inner peace.

Take a look at that photo and *behold.*

Things I want to remember about this week 7/10 - 7/17, 2020: A List

- a great deal of "clothing optional" swimming and sunbathing. Not sorry at all. 

- A glorious trip to San Francisco centered around the LGBTQAI+ journey and history in this historic city. 

- Eating delicious bao and dim sum in downtown San Francisco 

- A foggy drive across the Golden Gate bridge whilst listening to this... 

- Meeting my new friend and teacher, poet Thomas Centolella for the first time IRL (a friendship born, believe it or not, of this very blog!)  

- meeting my new friend and soul-sister Leta from ^ Tom's poetry class (because even though I attend online from New York, the class is held at College of Marin County... where I am as we speak. Fate!)

- Muir Woods. ....Magic. 

- Tati being extra

- beautiful drives

-  introversion paradise

- marveling at a mask-less California (is this... the Time Before?!) 

- seeing so very many hummingbirds

- writing poems 

 

- reading Phillip Pullman's The Amber Spyglass on audio-book as we float in the pool.

- Drinking wine flights in Sausalito with my love

- meeting important people to Alec who now live in NoCal.

- cooking so many delicious things from the farmer's market 

- preparing to leave the USA for London...

38

This is a special birthday. It almost feels like a RE-birthday!

38 is...

• The atomic number of strontium
• The Messier object M38, a magnitude 7.0 open cluster in the constellation Auriga 
• The most common eye-test for color blindness. (see [or don't see?] right) Most people will see the number 38, but people with red-green color blindness might see 88 instead.
• The number of slots on an American roulette wheel (0, 00, and 1 through 36; European roulette does not use the 00 slot and has only 37 slots)
• The number of years it took the Israelites to travel from Kadesh Barnea to the Zered valley in Deuteronomy.
• The "over-38 rule" is a feature of the NBA salary cap that affects contracts of players who turn 38 during their deals.
• Of course, a "38" is often the name for a snub nose .38 caliber revolver. 

This is “38 and feelin GREAT!” 

This is FLIRTY-8! 

This is THIRTY-GREAT!

All.

I am filled with joy, gratitude and relief to have reached 38 with a CURED and totally healthy body at long last. (Aging is a privilege!) I get to spend this day reveling in, and surrounded BY, family and natural beauty. Isn’t being alive THE BEST GIFT EVER? 🎁

Further, the dream come true of being wedded to my love, Alec, emerging from a difficult era of our modern times with love, family, art, and my health.

There is an Italian saying: “a healthy man has a thousand wishes, a sick man has only one.” — well that wish came true for me this year and today, I celebrate *extra*

Thank you for all of your love and support, always.

— Al