Things you will NEVER hear me say: a List

 A list of things you will never hear me say, and if you do, absolutely call the police:


- “Oh why yes: I would love to go on a cruise.”

- “Please PLEASE: turn that acid rock UP!”

- “Why yes I would love to go clubbing!”

- “Ya know? I think I’ll go braless today...” [This is not just for the good of my boobs, but for the public service to humanity who has to look at me]

- “Let’s burn some INCENSE.”

- “Cottage cheese: YUM” [Let me be crystal clear: if you placed a $100 bill at the bottom of a bowl of cottage cheese, and in order to walk away with said $100 I had to eat the bowl of cottage cheese? I'd walk the heck away.]

- "Please: tell me more about your elimination diet"

- "Please: tell me more about the intricate details and specificities of your work-out regime (and if you have videos, do indeed share them immediately)[I have an entire hazing relationship on Instagram with actor Tally Sessions that celebrates this precise pet peeve. To great amusement for all, may I add.]

- “Wow. I quite enjoyed this waxing session”

- “Wow. I quite enjoyed this reality TV program (that is not a documentary, but is, in fact, reality television)”

- “Wow. I quite enjoyed this confrontational conversation”

- “Tell me more about how difficult your journey through traffic here was.” [I literally do not care that the 405 was closed or that the 6 train was delayed. I don't care. No one cares. You hit traffic. You are late. Let's move on.] 

 
- “I’d love to hear every detail about your IN-YOUR-SLEEP DREAM”

- “Wow. I sure enjoyed that piece of epic Irish literature” [I once threw [threw!] 'A Prayer for Owen Meany" across a room. It remains, to this day, the only book I have ever projected in the air.]

 
- “I'm RIVETED to know more from your, novice internet person, about how to heal my colon” [Last time I checked, I have a devastating, chronic auto-immune disease that makes my body attack itself with deadly bleeding ulcers and KAREN? Activia yogurt and that Yahoo Answers article WILL NOT HELP ME. Sit down, Karen. The internet is not a doctor. And neither are you.]

 
- “Please. Tell me more about that article you read that is better than any actual doctor’s advice”

- “Behold me: I have PUT ON this mini-skirt and I think I look fantastic in this mini skirt.” [said Al Silber NEVER]

- “Ya know what? I think I’ll get a tattoo”

- “Boy do I love Las Vegas!” [I was once offered the travel advice by an acquaintance: "You know when you wake up in a new city and as you open the curtains and take in a fresh breath of air you think 'AH! ROME! I can't wait to explore you!' In Las Vegas? RESIST THAT URGE."]

© Jen Corace