Ask Al: Contemporary Speeches

Every once in a while I get emails from people asking for help or for advice. With their permission, I always think it is helpful to share these Q&As with everyone just in case any of you have the same questions out there.

This on was from a young woman about to audition for drama school in the UK.

* * *


Hey Al,

...Loved your blog on Auditions but is there any chance that you could recommend a couple of contemporary speeches? I have an audition for Mountview coming up and am struggling to find something.

A


* * *

Dear A,

The best I can offer you is to think about a "type" you fit. Think about a film actor whose personality/type represents the truest sense of you--your essence, a kind of kernel of your inner self. It is important that you distinguish the difference between
     who/what you want to be
or
     WHO AND WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE
but dig deep and think about
     WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE 
and also importantly,  
     HOW YOU ARE PERCEIVED
This takes a fair bit of self-awareness and sometimes quite strict self assessment.
And Dude: it can be brutal.

So. Sometimes I play a game with students when I am teaching that attacks this issue with a bit of whimsy (that's right, I just said whimsy)-- I ask them what Muppet they think they are. [*She pauses a moment for you to take that in....*] This covers all the Jim Henson canon from your straight up Muppet movies to Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, Fraggle Rock and beyond. Go for gold, people! Then we sit in a circle and WE TALK IT OUT AS A GROUP. Yes. Like, as in, yep-I-am-aware-this-is-higher-education-acting-class-and-we're-supposed-to-be-discussing-Meyerhold-but-let's-talk-Muppets-instead kind of talk. Real, serious, gritty talk.
For over two hours.

Things progress thus:

Blonde Guy: I think I am Animal.
Al: Okay, great. Why?
Blonde Guy: Because I don't like to say a lot, but I like to act out. 
Al: Alright. Is that it? 
Blonde Guy: What do you mean? 

Then we talk about how he is so much more than just that one sentence, and how actually, he just wants to be Animal because, let's face it-- Animal is awesome.

Then things continue:

Al: So what do you guys think of Blonde Guy as Animal?
Dark-Lipstick Girl: I dunno.
Al: Why?
Dark-Lipstick Girl: I see him more as Bert from Seasame Street.
Blonde Guy: WHAT?!
Al: Why do you say that Dark-Lipstick Girl?
Dark-Lipstick Girl: Because even though I agree he is quiet and can act out at times, I think it comes from a sort of adorable "fussiness" that reminds me a lot of Felix from The Odd Couple-- you know, the way you like to have all your pencils in a special order, and the way you dress so impeccably even for movement class and the way you never like to get sticky?! THAT IS TOTALLY BERT!

[flabbergasted and thoughtful, Blonde Guy thinks this over...]

Blonde Guy: Is all of that true?
Al: No. The pencil thing is true. I don't really want to know if the sticky thing is true. But ultimately, the character behaviors are only ever a reflection of what is happening inside. The person's essence moves them to make certain choices. So. No, it is what they perceive to be true.
Blonde Guy: I am Bert?!
Al: Look. I need you to breathe. I'm not trying to crush your Animal dreams here. You could be a little bit of Bert as well as Animal. We could throw in a healthy side dish of Prairie Dawn if you're feeling frisky. That's possible. These people might not know you as well as you or they think they do.
Blonde Guy: ...I guess I am a little bit like Bert. I didn't know people saw me that way.
Al: Well...that is what this whole incredibly ridiculous exercise is about.

Yeeeeeep. That's why they pay me the big bucks people: to get real about Muppets (and to sing loud, cry on cue and throw tarot cards at Danny Pino's head...of course.).

Now. Just so we're clear, this is genuinely a helpful exercise for any kind of material because it is important for us to understand our strengths and natural abilities, as well as the things we need to work on. I make it about Muppets because it is non-threatening and creates a levity in the classrooms of the English speaking world's most serious acting environments...and also because I love the Muppets...duh. 

But the exercise can be as "Oprah Aha-moment" as you deem it necessary to be. Get a journal. Talk it out with your close pals. But be prepared for a few surprises. Proceed with caution.

This knowledge, incidentally, is not always as important for classical material because naturally there will be an acting adjustment made for the time period, heightened language, etc. Contemporary stuff is deceptively challenging because you have to be your in touch with your natural, present-day self in a different set of contemporary circumstances. (This naturally applies to all acting, but these discrepancies can be ever more evident in contemporary work.)

For instance, the second I came to grips with the fact that I am a "Meg Ryan" a whole world of contemporary stuff opened up for me....

Now what the hell does that mean, exactly? I'm a well-read, highly educated neurotic American young woman with a penchant for word-sparring, situational and physical comedy that turns on a dime to become deeply affecting and emotionally serious, usually about matters of the heart. Bazinga. Obviously there are other actors out there that fit this category, and I draw from them too-- but mostly, I'm a Meg Ryan. (I'm also a Valerie Harper).
Whatever. It's a place to start.

Once you have this figured out, then, start by adapting a speech from one of their films. It is just a place to start. You can branch out from there. I find contemporary speeches very difficult (let's just take one little look at my professional work thus far and you will see that I pretty much always cry and wear corsets-- that is a strength of mine). So, when the contemporary going gets tough, I steal from Meg Ryan films. My RSAMD showcase scene was from French Kiss. It was a hit.

Oh, and for contemporary, my advice (particularly in the UK where this issue can get hairy) is to stick to your own accent. It is just better in a million ways. As you begin to feel more at ease with the genre, you can branch out and try other stuff. But always begin "close to home."

End of the day, do something you know you are going to rock at no matter what it is... even if it is from, like, Evil Dead 2, Felicity, or something you patched together from The Corrections.

That's my advice. I hope it's helpful.

Al

* * *


Honestly, that is possibly the best advice I've been given! Thank you, will let you know what I end up doing! Just got to work out my type- feel plenty of discussion will ensue.

A

I did it.

I. 

WROTE. 

 

A.

BOOK.

...over and out. 

San Francisco

Back from a great weekend with family in one of the most beautiful places on earth. In the glow of my big brother's identical laugh, Maggie's kind and gentle beauty, nieces laughing, handstands in the pool and local wine at the tops of mountains, I realized: family is made up of far more than blood, it is made of an infinite collection of the tiniest of moments just like these.

“It seemed like a matter of minutes when we began rolling in the foothills before Oakland and suddenly reached a height and saw stretched out ahead of us the fabulous white city of San Francisco on her eleven mystic hills with the blue Pacific and its advancing wall of potato-patch fog beyond, and smoke and goldenness in the late afternoon of time.”
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt - A Hello Again Thread

"If I've told you ONCE Bob Lenzi I've told you a THOUSAND TIMES! MacRAE!"

So there is this thing we do. 

The cast (and creatives) of Hello Again fell in love. 
That we knew. 
That happens when you take your clothes off and take naked photos for the poster five minutes after you meet one another.
We reunite all the time-- for the 12th of May (a significant date in the play for those of you who do not know), the holidays (see our Easter "Hello Again Jesus!" party), to see The Muppet Movie. You know-- like normals. 

But there is this thing we do...

We, and I really do mean ALL of us, continue to write emails to one another-- and I do not just mean the odd "Happy Birthday Whoever" emails but LONG (sometimes over 60 messages long) email chains. 
About any ol' thing. 
I love a healthy Hello Again email chain. 
Just your run-of-the-mill, Homeric-long-form-poem-esque, epic Hello Again email chain.

So: once upon a time, a very very healthy (read: strooooong) debate began among us regarding the Billy Bigelows of original John Raitt and film version Gordon MacRae (and obviously this Julie Jordan had quiiiiite a bit to say about it thankyouverymuch). It was legendary--as all good Hello Again  conversations seem to be.

Below, is the MacRae vs. Raitt Hello Again  email chain.

En. JOY.

____________________________________

From: Jack Cummings III

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

The controversial court case continues--check this out:

Notice this is #3 while #4 is...I rest my case.

http://playbill.com/news/article/165106-THE-SCREENING-ROOM-A-Look-Back-at-Carousel-On-Its-67th-Broadway-Anniversary/pg3

--

Jack Cummings III

Artistic Director

Transport Group Theatre Co.

____________________________________

From: Bob Lenzi

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

 

 Well take a peak at #8 when you have the chance.  At the 7:25 mark, I believe the subtext is "Alright all you ignorant MacRae loving shits.  Listen to what I'm about to do live, no sissy film sets with vocal dubbing.  MacRae could never dream of the vocal brilliance I am about to display.  Enjoy my extra B-flat bitches..."

______________________________________

From: Bob Stillman

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

So, MacRae gets to sing all of "If I Loved You," plus the reprise,"in #3, and Raitt gets his verse cut out of #4, and you're making comparisons?

______________________________________

From: Chris F

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Don't be silly, Jack.  John Raitt.  End of story.

______________________________________

From: Alan Campbell

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Make it stop!

______________________________________

From: Jonathan Hammond

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Jack.

You have broken our sacred Playbill rule.

Hi all!

Xxx

______________________________________

From: Chris H

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt
 
Well, if we're talking numbers...

Google Search:

Gordon MacRae - 686,000

John Raitt - 8,620,000 

______________________________________

From: Chris F

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

 

Thank you, Chris.  I always could rely on you.

______________________________________

From: Alan Campbell

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Wow. Haberl gets in the weeds with that one!


______________________________________

From: Donald Butchko, Stage Manager

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

...is it too late to vote for Michael Hayden?

______________________________________

From: Jack Cummings III

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Sure--that was such a robustly sung performance--and by robust I mean...not.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The cuts were decided upon based on quality.

No further questions your honor.

Bam!

End of story!? Oh hell to the no Fenwick!
Not in a million years so sit back down in that wheelchair Blanche!

Nice made up figures Haberl--why don't you run along and play with your Fischer Price airport while we settle this.

Look @ Lenzi trying to exert authority--how droll...how VERY droll. Don't you have some cheeks you need to rouge LENZI!!??

Je regrette rien.

______________________________________

From: Alexandra Silber

Subject: Re: MacRae vs. Raitt

Gah!!

I leave you children alone

For 2 MINUTES!!! 

Look. Raitt had a B-flat. It did rock. He was a beast and the original and could sing Verdi of you asked him to. 

MacRae was so fucking sexy-- like  Christian Bale french kissing you with a mouthful of Scotch sexy--and crooned like a psychopath. 

I want you to know that I have KNOWN some Billy Bigelows in my time... Believe. You. Me. 

These two were both amazeballs. 

My overall verdict?

  Rait for My Boy Bill and the money note 

  MacRae for My Little Girl

Done. 

And Donald...? If you mention Michael Hayden again we are finished. 

I say one blew it high, the other blew it low...for many and many a long long day. 

Over and out.

______________________________________

From: Jack Cummings III

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Silber in da' house y'all! Heeeeeeaaaay!

______________________________________

From: Alexandra Silber
Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt
 

Oh my god did I silence the crowd...?

______________________________________

From: Nikka Lanzarone

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

You did just basically drop the microphone and walk away...

______________________________________

From: Bob Stillman

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

Put it this way, Al: if this thread were an air mattress, it'd be punctured. 

BAM!

______________________________________

From: Donald Butchko

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

I want to frame this.  or perhaps stitch it into a sampler?

______________________________________

From: Jack Cummings III

Subject: MacRae vs. Raitt

End Scene. 

West Side Story: An Exploration

I recently returned from Interlochen Arts Academy, and talked with the students about, among many other things, their current production of West Side Story. Several of them followed up after I left, wanting to talk further, dig a little deeper about their characters and how to practically approach them. So we continued the conversation. I thought it might be interesting to share with all of you!

*

Dear All,

Write this next bit down, commit it to memory: 

We should never be afraid of knowledge.

Gather it with a healthy appetite like ephemera for a collage.

*

All of you:

The wonderful thing about working on WSS as a teenager is that the characters you are playing are exactly your age. This is a unique experience when you are in High School, for so often you are playing older adults in situations far exceeding your life experience. This is such an exciting opportunity to soul search: if you were in these (exciting, violent, confusing, frightening) situations right this moment, how would you feel and how would you react?

These are extreme circumstances. Struggling for survival (either "on the streets of New York" survival, or "making it in America without a penny to my name and I've come from San Juan with nothing but my wits" survival). Life and death circumstances--literally. People could die at any moment. People do die. Brothers, lovers, best friends--die. Take that in. Because of that, you must think in terms of extremities and levels of human desperation.

So. How can you push yourself as an actor to a similar place of that kind of desperation?
Head-work:
How can you make every single given circumstance of the highest possible stakes?

Example: When Lieutenant Schrank says "How's the action on your mother's mattress Action?"
--the actor playing Action could choose to just be "offended" or a "hot head," OR, he could conceive of a history with the actor playing Schrank-- perhaps Action's mother is in prison for solicitation. And perhaps it was Schrank who arrested Action's mother six months ago for the prostitution. OR, perhaps Schrank is his mother's customer. Perhaps all of the above. How can you load those moments and relationships so that they are swollen with meaning and high stakes?

Body work:
I suggest using exercise taken to an extreme. Running until every muscle and lung cell burns . I would try asking a friend to accompany you as you actually sprint in circles around the theatre--have the "spotter" push you physically until you actually feel you are going to burst. Then sing or recite (without music) your lines or songs. How does that change the experience?

By having a friend with you they can
a. Push you further. If they are there egging you on saying "you can run faster" or "You can dig deeper--say it again!" you will go to a new place. They keep you accountable.

b. They can make sure you don't actually get hurt.

Also, like I said before, remember that these characters are teenagers. Young people dancing on the line of childhood and adulthood in a quickly changing world who think they know it all, and fear they don't know a thing. They are young people just like you.You truly have to ask yourselves hard questions: if this were happening to me right now, what would I feel/think/do? 

When it comes to tangible research, use other young people (or older people when they were young) as a point of reference. Baz Lurman's Romeo & Juliet is a great guide because he was brave/practical enough to cast actual young (incredible) people in the major roles. Not to mention tremendous early teen/early 20s work from Johnny Depp, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Jodi Foster, Natalie Portman, Christian Bale, Patty Duke and Thora Birch.

*

Riff:

Check out Leonardo DiCaprio.

DiCaprio shares a lot of qualities with Riff-- but the most important is that wily, passionate charisma. At his best Riff is DiCaprio in Catch Me If you Can, at his worst (and in that darkest hours, when literally possessed by secret fears), he is screaming in a puddle of his own snot like DiCaprio in Romeo & Juliet or Basketball Diaries. YouTube this stuff. It'll help. It'll give you a point of reference. 

Crucially: Riff is a kid. You are also a kid. Wonderful: you have that unique quality in common-- you get to look inside yourself and ask "have I ever seen any of my friends on a slab at the morgue?"

Plus Riff has some serious family problems--to say the least. Flesh out and establish what those are.

The truth is every single one of these boys are afraid--left alone, they'd be paralyzed by fear. But they have one another. That is why Tony and Riff started the Jets: together, in their gangs, they can do anything. They believe-- they must believe-- that together they are untouchable.

As true impending violence gets closer and closer (and they can feel it) the tensions and fear build. And each Jet manifests that fear in a different way-- Action has his anger. Tony has his ideals and dreams. Riff has charisma and it exponentially mounts and mounts and mounts. It grows in its grandiosity and is deeply tactical. From wild highs (check out Baz Lurhmann's Romeo & Juliet, Mercutio's Queen Mab speech, brilliant performed by Harold Perrineau) to the "cool" lows (which are not low, they are merely subdued fear-- check out Marlon Brando being astonishing in "Wild One")

Practically:

1. How can you push yourself as an actor to a similar place of that kind of controlled and reigned in desperation? Use the sprinting exercise. Then singing/reciting/dancing "Cool" with as much mastery as if the audience were present. How does that change the experience? (Please make sure you don't get hurt!)

I also highly recommend doing this exercise with the actor playing Bernardo, and then doing your final knife fight.  If you are both "out of your minds on the edge" (controlled controlled), it will be electric. And true. (You do not want to have it look like ballet when really it is the end of their Universe.)

2. How can every dance move become a tangible sentence of articulate gesture? What does each and every movement "say?" Know the answers.

3. Lead that group of actors/Jets. You guys aren't a group yet and it's all on you baby doll. Get pizza. Walk around campus in a gang. Identify the weaker relationships in the group and and create little secrets that bond you. It won't take as long as you think. Give it a few hours. You are their leader: lead them.

4. Finally: stand up straight. You hunch your shoulders. But motivate standing up straight-- "If I stand tall and look at broad and tall as I possibly can, no one will touch me, or know that I am vulnerable." Standing up straight then becomes a motivated need.

*

Bernardo / Anita:

Bernardo and Anita are both unsafe in this new country and world without the other. Remember: What they share is that they both look after others. Not just often. But ALL THE TIME. No one looks after them. No one keeps them safe and secure and cherished. No one except the other.

Also crucially: they have a physical relationship exceeding merely sex. What I mean is their most articulate language is physical. The secret to the dialogue is in the dance at the gym. those aren't dance moves-- they are love making and war mongering. Practically do the running exercise, then recite (and I know this seems a little odd) the first few lines of the balcony scene (WSS or R&J) even though it isn't yours because Bernardo and Anita are THAT in love. Then do the Mambo. Ask one another/work out together how each step and move can have an actual "sentence" attached to it.

B:

1. Lead your boys (see #3 for Riff in reference to the Jets) Come up with a handshake and a Sharks gang "all for one" type slogan. And puh-lease: make sure it is in Spanish.

2. Unlike Anita, you can take a great deal of juice from referencing Tybalt from Shakespeare. Check out the perfect 'Latin-ized' modern reference once again in Baz Lurhmann's Romeo & Juliet played brilliantly by John Leguiziamo.


Also, there are (sadly) a great many modern manifestations of Latin gangs-- check out Gang Wars 2, a Discovery Channel documentary about Oakland, California Latino gangs (The Nortenos, The Surenos and The Border Brothers), as well as the HBO series Oz: the Latin gang (El Norte) is a great point of reference.

*

Action:

Check out at this clip of Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries. It is Action-- inside, he is a frightened, angry kid. Action probably feels the same way about his mother (whom he defends in the soda shop so ferociously to Lieutenant Schrank) as DiCaprio feels about the mother in this clip.You clearly have a really great back story worked out about your mother, particularly with the actor playing Schrank, but flesh it out even further.

With tension and fear building Action has nothing but anger. The more fear he feels the shorter his fuse, the more violent his visions and solutions and dreams.

It is important to remember that Action is not a leader. He needs Riff and he knows it. So by the time Tony is off in LaLa Land consorting with the enemy, and Riff is actually dead, Action is left alone to lead a group when he is scared to death to lead. Because he is scared to death to DIE. Action spends every second dancing on the edge--"Officer Kruptke" is not so much a comedic song as a desperate attempt to quell the fear that at that point in the show is threatening to destroy him before a Shark does.

Action doesn't have Riff's charisma, he doesn't have Tony's ability to dream. He has his muscles, the ability to crush someone's throat with his bare hands just to keep himself safe. I don't think you would have to look hard to find a contemporary parallel anywhere in the world. Violence...fueled completely by soul-chilling fear.

Practically:

1. Work on your Levels of Tension. ("Levels of Tension" is a wonderful basic acting tool from the Le Coq tradition). Actually number them-- from 1-7, 1 being asleep, 7 being a nervous murdering psychopath (which is where Action goes-- he is like Romeo or Hotspur in Shakespeare).

Interlochen Arts Academy West Side Story costume parade

The “Hogwarts Incident”

Birmingham Palladium Cinema

[In which Lilly drove up five hours in a minivan from Oberlin only to be instantaneously whisked away]

*

[At rise: Deepest winter. Al, Mom, Kent, Grey and Lilly sit around the dining room table discussing various life events. All but Lilly have been in the house solidly for nearly six weeks, contemplating existence as well as preparing their various college re-auditions, but mostly obsessively reading the first four Harry Potter books, attending the local premier of the first film, and then re-attending it every-other-day or so, particularly after going to Greek Islands diner because the movie theatre is right around the corner.]

Lilly: So Grey, you’re applying for a school in Australia?
Grey: Yep. I want it.
Lilly: That’s amazing!
Grey I just wish we could all go to school at Hogwarts.
Al/Kent/Mom: [in unison] T O T A L L Y. 

[Pause.]

Lilly: …Um…What’s Hogwarts?

[—Record scratch—crashing pause—mouths agape—plates are dropped.]

Grey: [deadly serious] Lilly get in the car.
Lilly: —What?!
Grey: [action movie, Bruce Willis, intense] —GET IN THE CAR!!
Lilly: [laughing a little, albeit nervously] Where are we going?

[Everyone begins standing, moving mechanically, like a car service team at the Indy 500]

Kent: [taking her by the arm] We’re going to the movies—
Grey: —Taking care of a serious problem.
Kent: Jesus!

[They are at the door]

Al: I’ve got her coat.
Grey: Good.
Mom: [calling from the driveway, honking, already in the car] WE CAN STILL MAKE THE 8:30!!
Kent: Buckle her in. I’ll lock up.

[They drive off down the street getaway-car-style, and “christen” Lilly to her very first Harry Potter experience. A trip we would repeat dozens of times before the winter was out. Phew. Crisis averted.]

In My Life: Alley

alley scott
oxford, england, 2006

Ask Al: On Acting

I get the odd request for my thoughts on acting.
I thought I would list a few thoughts I had here, for you to peruse at any time.

On Acting

1. TRUST.
- Yourself (you are enough...seriously. Just be.)
- The Audience (they are smart and deep enough)
- The Material (even if it is awful, there is nothing you can do to improve it, just be as truthful as you can)

2. Less is always more.

3. Always do your homework. No research or information is irrelevant.

4. Always adapt. Go with what you've got. If you lose your hair, adapt. If you move in to a different age bracket, adapt.

5. All you need to act is energy and your voice. The moment those start to go, you have to think of something else to do.

6. Stillness is everything.

7. Live truthfully on stage. That's it. No matter the genre or style or language: live your truth on stage. 

8. Pursue excellence, and success will most likely follow.

Making the most of "The Meanwhile"

Sometimes, you just have to get away with your very favo(u)rite people. The kind of people who remind you that a constant flow of meaningful conversations, laughter, observations and easy silences are all that is required for a marvelous day. Elizabeth ("El Stans") and I tumbled into a Red Jeep known simply as "Lucille" (as in Ball, yes, thank you for asking) early in the AM with a GPS, a rough sketch of a day in the Berks, and two hearts full of friend-love. It was so fantastic I couldn't resist another adventure with Kit ("Comrade Baker") the following weekend.

There were also gorgeous stretches of countryside, miles of endless American highways, singing in harmony to a perfectly cultivated "Roadtrip Mix," walks in the woods, waterfalls, fresh air, visual art, music, penny candies shared from the town general store, coffee, art stores, mini history lessons, nature meditations, and a few incredible meals.

Like I said, sometimes you just have to get away, and the journey doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, sometimes, the simpler the better.

Cherish your friends, Reader.
And make the most of "The Meanwhile."
Because life is The Meanwhile. 
Make it count...

the door to the lenox library; lenox, MA

I stayed alert with a "red eye"-- a drip coffee with an extra shot of espresso

our chariot: "Lucille"

serious country breakfast in millerton, ny

El Stans watching the river at Taconic State Park

Beautiful Bash Bish falls

an unexpected treasure-trove of emotions and learning at The Norman Rockwell Museum. Pictured here is his final studio in Stockbridge, Mass.

Comrade pet the bunny at the farmer's store

...the bunny...

Shaker Village

Chapin Music Hall

breathtaking country views

"Hello Again Jesus!"

Hellllloooooo Again Jesus!

Sometime El Stans and Al Silbs have to co-host an Easter party.
A two-part Easter party.
Sometimes the cast of Hello again has to reunite just because. 
Part One: at chez El Stans.
The party's name? HELLO AGAIN JESUS.
That's right.
Part Two: at chez Al Silbs.
titled: THE SECOND COMING OVER.

There was glorious food, laughter, company and conversation. There were games, a quiz (with dingy bells!), nestled and nuzzled together in the first flushes of Spring.

What better what to say Helloooooo Again?

Hoppy Peastover!

I'm probably going to Hell...but ah well, Heaven for climate, Hell for the company... I give you:  

The Plagues of Egypt Easter Eggs!!

wrong. but so right.

Birmingham, Michigan

Downtown Birmingham is a treasure: shopping that caters to everyone tastes—everything from locally made crafts, antiques, Mom & Pop restaurants, to pricey boutiques and handmade toys; downtown Birmingham has a thriving Public Library over-looking a beautiful local park that hosts a festival of twinkly lights in the winter, massive carnival in the spring (complete with giant Ferris Wheel with views of the whole town), and live concerts in the summer complete with bake sales, dancing, picnics and full-out patriotism and general community magic). And, because it is so easy to walk to the main strip almost anywhere in town, there is nothing like watching the tweenagers congregate on the streets outside the movie theatres trying to pretend they aren't waiting for their parents to pick them up around the corner... (that was obviously once me…wasn’t it also you? Didn’t I see you there…?)
There are so many beautiful nooks and crannies in this seemingly sleepy, Wonder-Years-y suburban town complete with wide American streets peppered with Labradors, slip-n-slides and children on bicycles. There is a buzzy downtown with two cinemas, boutique-y shopping, and utterly glorious places to eat for every budget.


But part of the peculiarity of metro-Detroit is that no single neighborhood is like another and they are all too nebulously nuzzled and inter-mingled up against one another to know where one begins and another ends. It is, of course, a driving city too, so as a kid you are stuck riding your bike to downtown Birmingham (scores of 12-year-olds wander the streets outside the cinemas at weekends) and as a teenager you are suddenly in a car and 40 miles away within 15 minutes on the giant American highways with nothing particularly important to do. Something about that dilemma feels charmingly typical to American suburbs— having been the plight of youth from the 60s until now.

Birmingham is 4.8 square miles, 12.4 square kilometers, 2 High Schools, 17 churches. 3 post offices. 1 train station. 3 golf courses. 2 cinemas. 4 seasons. 1 river. 1 annual Spring carnival. And 20,000 really nice Midwestern people and probably 1000 assholes. Give or take.

detroit from the air

The sun sets over the downtown and from the hill you see the kids riding off homeward bound, the teens driving down Woodward Avenue with a new taste for freedom.
Sleepy shops.
Families at home.
Swim meets.
Football games.
School plays.
Snow.
Birth.
Daily Life.
Love.
Death.
Repeat.
No, this isn’t a Thorton Wilder play.
This is Birmingham, Michigan, and it is more than merely a town in which I grew up.

*

Sure, Birmingham has its drawbacks.

Like any small, Midwestern town it can be small-minded, frustratingly provincial, gossipy, and even snobby, full to bursting with self-importance and incestuous jerkwater politics, but that comes with the small-town territory.

Some of the youngsters are so pampered and privileged that they lack drive altogether.
Example:

    Michigan Stoner Kid 1: Hey, wanna get stoned, then get a Slurpee and drive to the 24-hour Meijer?
    Michigan Stoner Kid 2: Do I!

These poor privileged losers spend their youths (and often, a great deal of their adult lives) stuck in an ambition-less, grey rut suffering from what I like to call A-ffluenza.

heaven.

Some more driven, visionary, or even just plain scrappy kids stare at the horizons beyond the country club golf courses, the endless miles of highway, or from the rooftops of downtown parking garages, and achingly itch to leave.
Some do.
Some do not.
But no matter where any of those youngsters end up, you would be hard pressed to find any one of them who wouldn’t agree that Birmingham was a great place to have been from.


For truly, no one could prepare you for an entire childhood spent walking along the banks of Quarton Lake; making tree forts in the spring, picking berries for pie in the summer, and, of course, ice skating in the winter.

Or trip after trip to Mills Pharmacy on Maple Road across from the both First Presbyterian and First Methodist, and next door to the First Lutheran Church, where we used to buy as much candy as possible for a single dollar (Individually wrapped Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids were only 5¢. Candy bars 50¢. Laffy Taffy. Pixie Sticks... Magic.) from the charming bearded man behind the old-fashioned candy counter so like the one in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory you practically expect the charming bearded-man behind it to burst into song at any moment.

Or little local quirks like a street named (I need everyone to just breathe): Big Beaver Road. Believe it. And the I-75 Highway Exit onto Big Beaver Road? That would be Exit 69.
(I’ll give you a moment)
Believe that too—you can’t make stuff like it up.

Or the majesty of The Woodward Dream Cruise, a classic car event held annually on the third Saturday of August that spans all the way from Pontiac to the State Fair Grounds inside the Detroit City limits, just south of 8 Mile Road. During the post-war era, people would "cruise" in their cars along Woodward, from drive-in to drive-in, often looking for friends who were also out for a drive, perhaps seeking an opportunity for a chance to "burn rubber" in a quick getaway from a newly green traffic light. (Today, the Woodward Dream Cruise is the world’s largest one-day automotive event, drawing 1.5 million people and 40,000 classic cars each year from around the globe. You can see muscle cars, street rods, custom, collector and special interest vehicles dating across several decades. The majority of the cars on display are those that were prevalent during the 1950s, 60s and early 70s.)

Or, the joy of a visit to Dairy Deluxe, the classic Birmingham summer hangout that goes by many unofficial titles (among them, the "Twirly Dip," "Double D," to name but a few). Dairy Deluxe in reality is really nothing more than a hut with a giant, neon-lined ice cream cone sign atop it. But truthfully, it is much, much more. The same people have been running Dairy Deluxe for nearly twenty years and they still write down your order by hand on bits of paper, count your change out with their minds and make your order themselves, handing it to you through a teeny tiny window box on the corner of Woodward and 14 Mile Road. (A Snickers flurry is a summer classic. Or make it extra Detroit-y by getting a sundae with Sander’s Hot Fudge— un-be-lievable.  Also, you absolutely know you are in Michigan because Dairy Deluxe is closed from November through March.)

Or, fueled by the twinkling of taillights, and the ever-changing weather, the indescribable sense of purity that filled you as you drove down Woodward at midnight with a friend like Justin Bodary, where many a meaningful, formative conversation was accompanied by a plethora of his favorite classic film soundtracks.


Beyond Birmingham's borders lies the Detroit suburbs of Royal Oak, Dearborn, Berkley, Warren, and Bloomfield Hills among many others... all of which have their very own personalities and some very impressive features— such as Berkley's old fashioned drive-in A&W burger joint where they bring the food to your car on roller-skates. Or (one of the most elaborate and elegant shopping malls in the world) The Somerset Collection in Troy? Or Royal Oak's Yippie-ville (“Yippies” are a term I coined that describes the Royal Oakers perfectly— I perfect blend of Yuppie chic mixed with Hippie values. You know? Yippies…) delights which include the very best rubber stamp store, raging goth scene, community theatre, and (crucially) milkshake in town. Plus Greektown, a plethora of 7-11s, classic cars galore, lake culture, millinery shops and above all, quality people.

And it is of course the people of Metro-Detroit that I miss the most. My neighbors on good ol' Fairway Drive— we all used to get together for actual summer picnics and barbeques, we drank sangria in our backyards those summer nights, then walk along the River Rouge that flowed behind our houses.
We gathered together at Thanksgiving.
The childless German couple down the street threw an Oktoberfest gathering that included beer and an actual appearance of lederhosen.
Tom and Sal moved into the corner house by the river bridge with their beloved dog Riley after the elderly woman passed away in 1997. They were the first gay couple on the street and the Silbers rejoiced.
Bill across the street with his beautiful baritone voice and a love of classic radio, with his wife Pat and their flurry of offspring on the kitty-corner.
The sometimes surly Dick with his gentle wife Anne from directly across the street; Anne was our beautiful Southern Belle who watched the phones while we all trudged off to the funeral home declaring in her Virginia drawl as we left “why it would be my absolute pleasure y’all, your father once kissed me on the cheek in thanks and I blushed because he was so handsome.”
The aloof couple [left] next door with their pack of adopted greyhounds.
The almost frighteningly bright Augestein quartet [right] next door with whom we shared so many wonderful dinners.
And The Kuhnes; who lived around the sharp curve of the street and had two gorgeous daughters we all watched grow. They moved away in the late-90s, but we never lost touch because we would continue to check in, laugh, and meet for dinner in our very own Downtown Birmingham...

All of this begs the question: What exactly is a "home?" What makes our hearts cry out for both the crushing and the familiar, what makes us yearn when far away, fills our minds with exponential memories and fuels us when faced with every adversity life presents us?

I don't know the answers.
But I do know this: Though I was among the youths with eyes scratching at the sky, chest positively pounding with a charging sense of purpose that lay beyond the borders of our town; somehow, however reluctantly, and in some cloak-and-dagger, stealthy manner, Birmingham, Michigan became my home.

 Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.
                                                              - Charles Dickens