Sleeping

When I think back on this time, I think I will recall that for so very much of it
     ... I was asleep.
Perhaps that is how it is with pain: hibernation.
A chrysalis of sorts forms around us while we heal.
Or change.
Or both.
That is not shameful. It is not weak. It is necessary.

But I'm preparing to tear away the barriers of that sleep now.
I want to wake.
I've passed through a door.
I've marked a single, charcoal line upon the ground and contemplated crossing it.
I ready to burst through.
Yes. I'm ready.

...

Now, reader here is a preface: I don't often share on this blog in this candid a manner, but I feel the need.I know that many of you visit and know me not at all. You have shared the work, you have associated with "Act 3 Al." I have never attempted to use this blog in any manner of emotional ventilation, I have put forth every effort to protect and respect those with whom I share my life, many of whom already have very public lives as it is. This is not a tabloid. And venting is what a journal is for. The details are unimportant, the revelations are.

That is what this is: a revelation. I would be denying the journey if I did not mark it. This is too magnificent to keep to myself. And I am done hiding my light under a bushel.

There are several things I can say out loud.
So much I can face I didn't know or couldn't see before.
I looked in the mirror and I saw the Self of a young woman terribly disrespected and my insides churned.


Things like:
- I didn't have any respect for my Self.
     I never really did. (Self respect is like a muscle, if you do not exercise it, it atrophies).
- And that led to a monsoon of other unhealthy behaviors. That's over now.
     Standing up for yourself is allowed. It is, in fact, tremendous.
     No more dressing to hide,
     No more allowing away.
     No more.
     No more capitulation.
     No more valuing everyone else above myself until that Self is a shell.
     No more apologizing for being.
     No more.
     No one will walk on me. Intimidate. Bully. Strip away. Burgle.
     No one will rob me of my trust.
     Or of hope.
     The professional arm was strong while the personal arm withered.
     No more.

- Sometimes.. in fact... often, change is good. Change is great. I can embrace change. I can bear hug it and lick every last fleck of change sauce from the plate of life. (Mmmmm change tastes like parma rosa sauce).

- I am shocked by the force of a decade-and -a-half of built-up rage. Absolutely astonished. I must possess some sort of rage storage helix inside me...

- This is the end of the Dad cycle. (Well, what do you know?)

- I don't need a home, home is right here [touches her heart]

- That thing I hoped would end with high school... college... real life.. is never over. It is all the same. It never ends. Stop waiting. And this knowledge sets one free. Hooray. Adjust.

- and perhaps, most importantly of all...

... She broke my heart.
     She did.
     It cracked in half. 
     I loved her.
     I loved her more than anything.
     And that is what still smarts.
     And probably always will.

I am certain I can adjust to that too.


Take part in life Dear reader.  Do not shirk away from the world, take part in it. Do away with good enoughs and happy enoughs and fines. I am no longer ashamed to say I wish for more. No. I demand more. Of my Self. Of this finite, beautiful time. It is too brief and too special to be wasted on the parasitic, to be squandered on despair.

So here we go...
             ...the charcoal line...

____________________________________________


              ... Good morning.

I've been:

singing for
Hal Prince
Sheldon Harnick
Terrence McNally
Stephen Wadsworth
Arthur Laurents
James Lapine
Rene Flemming (and her cape)

singing with
Lance Horne at Lincoln Centre
Kate Baldwin
Howard McGillin
Ana Gastyer
Sheldon Harnick
Cheyenne Jackson
Alan Cumming
Daphne Rubin-Vega
Michael Urie

Running Fiddler lines with a frantic Harvey Fierstein

Sounding the call (with my gorgeous friends Michael Arden and Toni Trucks)

Receiving colanders from Martha Stewart

Witnessing Jane Fonda licking her fingers and mimicking tears...

Rocking at Joe's Pub

Living in between...
uncertain about what the future holds and attempting to just ride with that uncertainty rather than try to control the uncontrollable

healing

Learning

Traveling like a crazy person and genuinely confused about the city I am in ("Where am I what city what day is it what time why the what the why why zzzzzzz....")

Emoting, dancing and singing with and basking in the glory that is Adam Cooper

Giving Thanks

Proud of my friends
Santino (for bouncing back)
Tasha (for being brave)
Victoria (for going out to the other end of the world and getting what she deserves)
Alley (for bring so brave about the death of her amazing father)

Humbled after winning a lovely award

Wrestling with my swinging feelings about London:
            feeling this one moment: "having the most incredible time back in London. Although my visits were fleeting they was filled with familiar things, faces of true friends and of course a lovely award! (Thank you all for such a wonderful visit, and everyone's lovely and generous congratulatory words. A lot of people made what I did in Carousel possible..., and I am incredibly humbled and grateful. xxx)"
            and this the next: "Dear London, why do you hate me? Love Al"

auditioning for the same role as a girl so young SHE BROUGHT HER MOMMY... who fixed her hair... and feeling really REALLY old...

Seeing her lovely new friend Kate Baldwin in Finian's Rainbow

Meeting LAUREN GRAHAM (her hand was incredibly soft...)

trapped after locking myself in a closet at an audition-- story to follow...

filming an episode of the ultimate badcrimdrama-- LAW & ORDER! (airing 8 January on NBC)
     and loving and laughing my ass off with Anderson and Sisto. FUN-NY (seriously... I had no ass)...

Planning the future (Christmas with mom in LA followed by a Reprise of Julie Jordan than an operatic trip to The Kennedy Centre!)

realizing that every once in a while... every so often now, it still smarts...

Writing:
sitting in my living room surrounded by 14 research books (each sprawled and lying face down), over 200 sticky notes, and the evil evil (appropriately black and Bulgakovian) cat, and a blaring collection of eclectic soundtracks and my trusty laptop awaiting the words... (AH! let the book come together...)

Enjoying a week writing 4 more chapters of my first book and filming 3 scenes in my first television...

Overall,
... Good two months.... Great two months...

The Fontana Flipbook

one of my oldest friends.
and
a man of many talents.

A London Love Poem

Reflections on a night performing at Lincoln Center...

1. Al Silber = NOT AN OPERA SINGER. (Among 3 hours of opera singing...fine...)

2. Rene Flemming wore a "cape"

3. Jane Fonda licked her fingers and mimicked tears on her face to a girl with partial hearing.

4. Stage Management quote: "Where are we going to find a MUSIC STAND in this building?!"

5. Snagged a free colander from Martha Stewart (to which I replied "I love I love I love my colander, girl!" to... no response... )

6. Howard McGillin rocked a supersonic-fast 'Somethin's Comin''

7. Favorite quote: "They just finished 'Being Alive'"

8. Conclusion: gin was consumed by Lance and I as we strolled through the bowels of Lincoln Center in comic despair...

Winning the award

Every form of happiness is innermost. The outer displays are the results of this secret, unspoken, unarticulated private flame. Our greatest moments are personal, not always able to be touched or shared.

Of course, ultimately, I have always believed that our life's efforts, our labors and actions should be motivated by a simple to desire to be great. Yes. Ultimately, at the end of our days it is about being great, not at all about being thought of as great. I live by that. There is no sense in obsessing over recognition, I focus exclusively on my own standards, my individual set of artistic and moral values. I know the difference of giving everything, and withholding. An audience, every audience, every day, deserves 100 percent of my energies and devotion. Nothing less. And I don't actually care if anyone takes note.

I will know the difference.

I will.

Here, though, I attempt to share with you the unimaginable honor received yesterday from the TMA committee. I cannot share it really, it can only be marked. (But it interesting, isn't it, this human need to award, to commemorate, commend, celebrate..?) I include this post with a photo to respect the pregnancy of the moment Julie Jordan got a nod. She is a beautiful character, one I endeavored to create with a an almost pious sense of devotion, one whom I treasure and delight in the way I would a living, breathing, real life friend. She and Carousel have brought me countless gifts since childhood (one of my very first theatrical experiences was playing Louise in Carousel in 1996 and the experience rocked me), and I know the Perseus-ian tether connected from her heart to my own will never sever.
And although the return to London was fleeting it was filled with familiar things, places, smells, foods, and most importantly, the faces of true friends and of course the lovely, truly shocking, award itself. Thank you London for such a wonderful visit, and thank you to everyone for your incredibly warm and generous congratulatory words. A lot of people made what I did in Carousel possible.
But oddly, the award felt like an odd kind of marking for the last year of struggle. Well done, Al, the piece of glass declared. Well fought. Well battled.
Truly, I am incredibly humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Images from New York...

“Each man reads his own meaning into New York”
--Meyer Berger

“When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.”

--Bette Midler

Ask Al: Auditions, Drama School and Conservatory (Part One)

Dear Al,

I am considering auditioning for Drama Schools next year, and would love any information, insight, or general "tips" you might be able to offer? I am sure there are a lot of out in the big wide world who are interested in picking your brains on this topic!

So I guess the specific questions are these: 
1. What should an applicant expect on audition day? and 
2. What should an applicant do to prepare for it?

Thank you so much,

Andrew

* * *

Dear Andrew,

OKAY.

BIG STUFF HERE.

I've watched a few people succeed and many, many more fail and have long felt that a significant proportion of those who "failed" did so because of factors other than lack of talent. I didn't fully appreciate what those "factors" were, and I came to the conclusion that too many people fail not because they don't have talent but because they are not properly prepared. So you are already asking the right questions about preparation, what follows is my personal interpretation of said preparation.

As I have said before if in my general audition blog, auditioning is a talent of it's own. The competition is well known to be very tough. Here are the facts on how tough it actually is: in 2004 the drama schools with 'accredited' courses received between 1,000 and 3,000 applicants for intakes that range between about 25 and 150 students across all of their courses. The most famous schools will probably accept 1 applicant in 100; this proportion rises to between 3 and 5 per hundred at the less famous (but not necessarily less good) ones. What follows are some basic preparations you can make to enhance your chances by making sure that your talent is shown off at its best:

1. FIND OUT ABOUT AS MANY PROGRAMS AS YOU CAN
Most of them advertise and most of them have web sites. Then ask for prospectuses and application forms for those you like the look of. When you apply you will be sent details of what you will be required to do when you go for your audition - some schools now have these details on their websites.

* * *

2. READ THOSE AUDITION REQUIREMENTS CAREFULLY
Read very carefully what each drama school requires you to do. For instance, a few ask you to prepare three audition speeches - and could well ask you to do all three. I've seen a number of people come with only two prepared because most other schools only require two. (In fact I believe that it's better to prepare many more - say between six to ten - to open up your options for each circumstance.)

Make sure that you've got the right kinds of speeches. Many schools define "classical" as "Shakespeare or contemporary" or "Elizabethan or Jacobean" (which mean roughly the same period), but some specify verse"; others don't. Others are less restrictive in what the mean by "classical".... Be sure what each means by "modern"; to some that can mean over the last hundred years, to others just the last ten. The best tactic is to put together a portfolio of at least six speeches (and preferably more) so that you can choose to suit the varying circumstances.

Some schools will ask you to prepare a song (even if you're not applying for a Musical Theatre Course) - you should prepare this with as much care as your audition speeches. Remember, that a song well acted can tip the balance if your auditioners are at all equivocal about your speeches. Think of the tune as an 'underscore' to the words - and, as with a speech, it should appear as though you're inventing the words on the spot and are saying (singing) them for the first time. NB Some schools ask you to sing unaccompanied; others with accompaniment. If the latter, make sure you've got easily readable sheet music.

It is essential to plan ahead. Check out deadlines for applications - they vary considerably! Bear in mind that once you've sent of your application you can be called to audition at any time - occasionally within in a few days. And some drama schools are resistant to changing audition dates. I suggest that it is best to start sending for prospectuses a year in advance of your hoped for entry.

* * *

3. DON'T JUST APPLY TO ONE SCHOOL!: Apply to as many of the 'good' schools as you can afford. How do you know which are 'good'? First, read the contents of their prospectuses. Don't be fooled by smart graphics - what do the words say and would their kind of training suit you? (Be very circumspect about a loose use of the word "method" and the name "Stanislavski" - what do they actually mean?) Second, try to find people who know something about the recent work of each particular school. A drama school is only as good as its current teachers. A list of famous graduates or a glossy prospectus doesn't tell you what it's really like now. It is essential to ask around and get several opinions - which may well be contradictory.

Especially if you are just starting out it is important to get to get used (a) to the actual act of auditioning, which is always different from what you might have anticipated and (b) to learn how the varying audition systems work. At a guess perhaps 50% of ultimately successful applicants don't get a place first time round (for all kinds of reasons) so think of your early assays into the field as exploratory exercises to learn from rather than the 'be all and end all'. You'll also make a lot of friends as you go round the drama school circuit. [I know one young actor who got her place at RADA within three weeks of her first audition (including two recalls) and another who took five years on the audition round before she got a place.]

* * *

4. YOUR SPEECHES
As is well known the audition speech is the traditional form of assessing an actor's potential (or otherwise). Unfortunately it means that you've got to be at your best for the 2 or 3 minutes that it takes. At least you've got 2 or 3 hours for a conventional exam. You could argue that at least the agony is over quickly but too many people fail because they seem to give a similarly brief amount of time to (a) the content and (b) how they do it. Your problem is that the competition is so fierce that there is a sense that your auditioners are looking for ways of eliminating people for whatever reasonable reason. Also (and crucially) their time to watch you is so brief (they will get some ideas from interview/singing/movement sessions etc., but the speech is almost invariably the most important) that you have to find ways of really impressing them in just that 120-180 seconds. "Not fair!", you cry; it isn't, but it's just like the profession so start getting used to it. Your only advantage is that you are being watched by people very experienced in assessing potential as opposed to the "complete actor"; but even so that "potential" is too often masked by silly mistakes (choosing a character who is totally unsuitable for you, for instance) and no drama school wants a "silly" student. You have to be together and organised to do both the training and the job.

SELECTING YOUR SPEECHES
At least one school issues a blacklist of speeches not to be used and every auditioner has a mental list of those he/she is fed up with sitting through AGAIN. The fact is that you've got to do one of these popular speeches extra well to stand a chance. How can you know if a particular speech is "popular" or not? This is difficult, but you can help yourself if you avoid anything from those books of audition speeches because a lot of other people are selecting material from them. It can be a good idea to do a speech from a play you've done or from one that you otherwise know well. It may well be that there were no speeches long enough contained in anything you know, but there will be scenes in which one character is 'running things' and it is reasonably easy to cut out other people's lines and perhaps with a little bit of rewriting make a complete speech that nobody else will be doing. AND, it is a fact that the "original" speech (provided that it's well-written) will put you at a distinct advantage. The other advantage of taking a speech from a play you've done, or know well, is that you will have a very good idea of what the whole play is about from the inside - essential to a good performance of that speech.

A few schools provide a list of speeches from which you have to choose. How can you be different from everyone else in this circumstance? Go for the more obscure! It'll mean that (a) you'll have to ask advice about what's obscure and what isn't and (b) they often require more preparation, but choosing one of these can be well worth it.

REHEARSAL OF YOUR SPEECHES
(See Auditioning [Part One])

OUTSIDE HELP
Several schools counsel against this and I have seen numerous circumstances when the outside help is downright misleading. There seems to be a cottage industry out there of people happy to take your money for their guidance. How do you know if you're being helped properly? In general, it is best to find someone who has close contact with the profession and not someone whose experience is concentrated in speech and drama exams. The latter have very little to do with modern acting. If you can't find anybody whom you feel is suitable, then at least try you speeches out in front of somebody first. They may not be able to give you detailed constructive criticism but at least you'll get a gut reaction and doing a speech in front of only one person is very different from doing it by yourself.

* * *

(to be continued...)

8 years on...

"...Today, some of our inner oceans will swell inside of us and overflow. A word, a look, a scrap of music will find its way behind our eyes, reach into the place where the wound begins and tears will fall.
We must seek peace and sometimes it is difficult to find that inward place, thinking on spiritual things, quieting the wild and rushing feelings that surge around our hearts.
The trick is to find the center of light... a center of peace in the very place where ragged winds of struggle and loss blow in our eyes-- each and every day, we must find the place where we can move from tumult, crisis, anxiety....into hope.


We would all like so much to change what is, say what has happened isn’t really so. There is nothing else we could have done to make this death not happen. We simply did everything we could.
And now, knowing in our hearts that the only way out of sorrow is in, we think-- as Michael would have-- of the positive, the joyful, absorb the color and life, even from the grayest of days, the darkest of nights.
Michael would have reminded us that the sun is shining somewhere.


The next paragraph or two is from CS Lewis’ final book appropriately entitle THE LAST BATTLE from The Chronicles of Narnia. My father read every single installment to me as a young girl, with the exception of THE LAST BATTLE... because we loved the stories so much we didn’t want them to be over. Well, now it is my turn to read the passages, and it is dedicated to my father.

“The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended this is the morning.
And as Aslan spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion, but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that i cannot write them.
And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after, but for them it was only the beginning of the Real story. All their life in this world, and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read; which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." "

I've been:

writing 6 chapters in 48 hours...
...after a proper writer's freak out
...and sending all of this to poor louise (See: gratitude number 26)

exploring the sublime new york city

being taken to friends' favorite places

rekindling old friendships (leah, michael, dane, nick, kenn, flagg, alex, ari, ben, bergen, santino, jessica, adam, rachel... and so many more) I'm so so lucky!

and discovering new ones
...especially in the unlikeliest of places

kicking professional butt!!

auditioning like a crazy person

...thanks to Jeff, who is showing me such angelic care (and thanks to Ruthie, for introducing us)

seeing great theatre
...in fact opening weeping in the third row centre of bond and wolverine's foray

saying the word "Ninja" a LOT

eating amazing new york food

...and then delighting in walking it off as I fly around the city on foot!

reveling in this fact: peanut butter at my beck and call!

discovering my "inner north" (I DO have a sense of direction!!) as well as a total ease with this great and glorious city

sorting out the "zen" of santino's nederlander dressing room

very VERY cathartic "potato voodoo" with leah

fainting at joe's pub

totally honored by a TMA Award for best performance in a musical, what an utterly unexpected delight!

thinking a great deal about London and how there is, indeed, a life for me there in some way... and how it is so often that one must make a journey to discover these things...

savoring the Jewish high holidays and loving any opportunity for new beginnings

moving forward...

The Russia Diaries: Olkhon Island Photos

"We shall find peace. We shall hear the angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds."

--Anton Chekhov

The Broken Spectacles

It was impossible at this point to ignore his eyes: deep set, large and a ghostly blue, the skin around them was dark and sallow, outlined perfectly by a brow at times delicate, at others severe. She could not help but stare.

It was not until this moment when he gazed at so close a proximity that the constant barrier, the screen-like barricade across his gaze the glass provided became intolerably evident. He met her stare: and suddenly the screen fell, his eyes were unadorned, and the unexpected intimacy of his expression made her quiver. His eyes were exquisite. Piercing. Deeply pained.

And filled with love.

She looked quickly away, busying herself once again with the broken frames, clicking the heavy glass back into place with a definite clack. She could feel the unbridled intensity upon her, and despite the chill in the November night, she felt at once hot and nervous.

She was unsettled, but still greater than her disquiet was her astonishment. And greater than either of those was her despair. “There you are,” she announced with false self-possession, “all fixed.” She held the frames out sideways, arm fully extended, and subsequently, she caught the nakedness of his look, which she held for a lingering moment before his “thank you” abruptly broke the spell as cleanly as the break in his now repaired spectacles.

He reached for them now, and the momentary brush of his calloused fingers on hers made her swelter once again. And then, as if replacing a coat of steel armor, Dmitri placed the frames firmly back upon his face, and they were once again at ease.