Greek Tragedy: The Pithy Gist

Ahhh Greek Tragedy.
Beautiful.
Essential.

Older than Jesus.
The birthplace of modern drama.

Trouble is?
Sometimes Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripedes sound more like venereal diseases than the world's greatest tragedians. ("Ooo. I got Euripedes in college. Itches like hell. But the cream helps...")
Sometimes you just don't have the TIME to peruse the great tomes of the past.
Sometimes you are emotionally FRAGILE.
Sometimes you just can't handle all THE FEELS.
Sometimes you need a BREAK.
You need some HELP.

And that? [*super intense whisper*] ...THAT IS WHERE I COME IN...

I am here to give you the gist.
That's right.

To "get the gist" means to understand something, but not to be expert in it.

Bob: Did you read Moby Dick last night?
Steve: Nah, I read spark notes, got the gist.

So should you read The Orestia and marvel at the the poetry of Aeschylus, the inevitability of fate, and see the end of the curse of the House of Atreus?
Um, YES. Yes you should.
It is a classic of the modern age.
It is WORTH IT.
These plays are IMPORTANT.

But... in the meantime... I got your back...

*

Trojan Women: WAHHHH my city is gone!

[CURTAIN.]

Electra: F**k you Mom.
[CURTAIN.]

 
Medea: F**k you Jason. 

[CURTAIN.]

Antigone: Wahhhh my whole family! 
Oh also F**K YOU CREON!

...[CURTAIN.]

The Aenid: Hey look! ROME!

[CURTAIN.]

The Bacchae: WORSHIP ME!!

[CURTAIN.]

The Orestia: 
Orestes: I'm SOOOORRRY! 
The Gods: Ugh. It's okay.
[CURTAIN.]


 



The Persians: OHHH PERSIA.
[CURTAIN.]

Iphigenia at Aulis: Daddy! (Sigh.) FINE. 

[CURTAIN.]

Seven Against Thebes: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7... 
That's Thebes. You hate them. 

[CURTAIN.]





To conclude, the piece-de-resistance:

Oedipus Rex: MOM?!!!

[CURTAIN.]

Aaaaaaaaaaand SCENE.

You are welcome.

[*compulsively drinks Gatorade in corner rink*]

Condensed Film Scripts: Gigli

(Not to be confused with the musical Lerner & Lowe film, Gigi... because...no... that would just be wrong...)

* * *

Scene 1: Introduction

The Affleck: [generic urban gesture] Yo! F&$*ing hello there! I am Larry Gigli. I'm a low ranking mobster. It's f&$%ed up stuff! I've been commanded by my f&$!ing mob bosses to kidnap a disabled, Baywatch-obsessed boy who is the younger brother of a powerful federal prosecutor so I can save my mobster boss from prison. I am f&*#ing AWESOME.

* * *

Scene 2: Gigli successfully convinces "Baywatch Brian" to go off with him by promising to take him "to the Baywatch..."

The Affleck: Wanna go to THE BAYWATCH?
Baywatch Brian: Wuh???
The Affleck: [under his breath] F&*#ing idiot. [unnervingly loud] You and me go to THE BAYWATCH????
Baywatch Brian: .... Uhhhhhh, okay.

* * *

Scene 3: However, for totally unexplained reasons, Gigli's boss Louis does not trust him and takes it upon himself to hire a woman named Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to take over the job. (Fine.) And thus... the Bennifer unfolds...

The Affleck: [inner monologue] I am so f%@*ing attracted to Ricki! I mean, F#¢&! How could I not be? Haven't you f$%@ing seen her doing f%^&ing "YOGA" in over two dozen f§%@ing shots?! Wow. She's pretty f%&^ing hot. [takes pause for a moment] but I resent the fact that my boss, doesn't have any f^%$ing faith in me and that I has to take orders from a [tone of marked derision] f@*&ing girl. [inner monologue complete.]

Baywatch Brian: Can we go to THE BAYWATCH???
The Affleck: Not right now.
Baywatch Brian: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?
The Affleck: No.
Baywatch Brian: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
The Affleck: Ugh! no! We cannot go to The Baywatch right now please just f&$*ing --- stop!

[He is also frustrated by Brian's insistence on going to The Baywatch; and oh yeah, Ricki's lesbianism which was JUST mentioned 2 seconds ago...]

* * *

Scene 4: Gigli and Ricki receive orders from Ray to cut off Brian's thumb. Neither of them wants to do it. They talk about it for literally 15 minutes.

The Affleck: What? That is f^&%ed up man! I ain't gonna do it!
The Lopez: You gotta! It's f%&^ing ORDERS.
The Affleck: Well I'm not gonna f$%&ing do it.
The Lopez: I'M not gonna f$&^ing do it.
The Affleck: Oh yes you f£^%ing ARE!

...etc for 15 minutes.

* * *

Scene 5: Ricki's girlfriend shows up at Gigli's apartment, accusing her of cheating.

[Knocking and hysterical crying at the door]

The Affleck: Umm.... is.... that your door? Are you expecting company? I mean...
The Lopez: It's my f^%*ing girlfriend. Hold on she's pretty f$@&ing crazy.
Crazy Girlfriend: YOU F&%*ING CHEATED ON ME YOU F&%@ING BI-ATCH!
The Lopez: WHATEVUH!

[The Lopez mildly overreacts by slitting her wrist. Fine.]

* * *

Scene 6: While at the hospital, Gigli goes to the morgue and cuts off a corpse's thumb, which he sends to his boss as Brian's thumb. Genius! Problem solved. Gigli and Ricki eventually go back to his apartment and engage in the following (condensed) conversation:

The Affleck: I f%*@ing love you.
The Lopez: Wanna f*&%?
The Affleck: What the f)*&. Yeah, okay.

[Hooray! And thank God things are picking up. But wait, not actually hooray because J-Lo is covered in a white sheet the entire time even though she is on top of him...aaaaaand how she manages that we may never know...]

* * *

Scene 7: The Affleck and Lopez are called to meet with the top mob boss Starkman (played, sadly, by a clueless-to-how-bad-this-movie-is Al Pacino), who shoots Gigli's immediate boss (remember Louis? I don't) dead.

Starkman is about to kill Benniffer as well, but The Lopez points out that only the three of them know what really happened (even though WE don't... but at this point don't even care), so Starkman allows them to leave, and take the brother back to "where they found him."

* * *

Scene 8: On the way, they discover Baywatch shooting an episode on the beach and in a staggering act of reckless abandonment leave Brian there... my GOD.

Music.

The End.

Thank the LORD.

* * *

Parting thoughts:

1. The f@$&ing-this-f%&*ing-that writing style gets real old pret-ty fast (Let's just say this: Mamet it absolutely ain't).

2. Juuuuust one lil' nitpick: there is this gimmick of having The Affleck resorting to reading ingredients labels because he has no books in the house. Then, in the next room The Lopez is shown with what?-- a flippin' book. Then later in the film Gigli's back to reading ingredients when there's another frickin book in the bedroom! Did anybody (proof)read this script?!!

3. Gigli had a giant tattoo that nobody ever comments on.

4. Advisory to anyone whose appetite is whetted by perusal of the cast list: The Al Pacino and Christopher Walken bits are just that.

5. Gigli focus groups demand new ending in which Affleck and Lopez die.

Condensed Film Scripts: Catwoman

Ostensibly based on the DC Comics character and starring Halle Berry, the film resembles next to nothing of its source material ("Catwoman In Name Only"), which is most definitely not for the best.

In this "piece," Catwoman has super duper cat-person powers, (which she lacks in the comics), and her lycra catsuit is replaced (though sparingly) with slashed leather trousers, a bra, and a mask-cap---thingy. She leaps from rooftop to rooftop in stiletto heels, and we watch on (in simultaneous wonder and disgust) as her costumes get skimpier as the movie progresses.

One of the choice fighting scenes makes use of a face beauty cream that when applied gives the wearer invincibility.

There are so few words, but the most apt would be: “ Me-ouch! ”

* * *

Part One

Patience: Hi, I'm Patience Phillips-- a shy, sensitive artist woman who can't seem to stop apologizing for my own existence. I work as a graphic designer for a mammoth cosmetics company on the verge of releasing a revolutionary anti-aging product run by two evil people. Sorry if that was long. Sorry. Really sorry.

Part Two

(Later, at THE MAKEUP FACTORY, Patience is delivering her artwork. She stops suddenly! Accidentally overhearing the following...)

Health Inspector: this anti-aging product is UNSAFE!

Sharon Stone Evil Makeup Corporate Person: What do you mean?

Her Evil Husband: This is a very very dark secret indeed Health Inspector. No one must know! WAIT!! WHO IS THAT LURKING IN THE CORNER?!! PATIENCE PHILLIPS?! That shy, sensitive artist woman who can't seem to stop apologizing for her own existence? GET HER!

Sharon Stone Evil Makeup Corporate Person: PATIENCE PHILLIPS MUST DIE.

Patience: Oh no! I am in the middle of a corporate conspiracy!

(Patience runs into a large waste water pipe, where she is trapped, and they flush her into the river, where she drowns. This is where we all hope the movie is over but then...)

Part Three

Egyptian Mau Cat: I have been watching you for DAYS Patience Phillips, and for some unexplained reason, I coincidentally knew that you were about to die and luckily made it here just in the nick. I have "special" powers that are given only to a few deserving potentially sexy women after they die... most of these woman are more confident and successful that you, but you will look great in the outfit.

(Patience is reborn with new sexy catlike powers.)

Part Four

Catwoman: What a mystical twist of fate! I now have the strength, speed, agility and ultra-keen sexy senses of a cat.

Egyptian Mau Cat: Yes. That is the idea. You see, I am a cat... so... hence, the powers... right.

Catwoman: Patience and Catwoman are two completely different people, yet WE ARE ONE.

Egyptian Mau Cat: How confusing...

Catwoman: I seek sexy sexy REVENGE for those who murdered Patience. Meow! Hiss!

Egyptian Mau Cat: Steady there.

(With her newfound prowess and feline intuition, Patience becomes Catwoman, a sleek and stealthy creature balancing on the thin SEXY and yet again SEXYTHIN line between good and bad...very bad...)

Part Five

(Her adventures are temporarily and shallowly complicated by a burgeoning relationship with Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt), a police detective who has fallen for Patience but cannot shake his fascination with the mysterious (and highly sexy) Catwoman, who appears to be responsible for a string of crime sprees plaguing the city.)

Patience: Catwoman's wild side is beginning to have more influence over me!
Catwoman: Now I will begin to follow my own sexy rules.

(Look out world, sexiness has never acted so badly.)

Condensed Film Scripts: The Last Samurai

In case any of you missed this uh, AWESOME film, I thought I would save you the trouble of having to endure it. Life is too short. (This might have to made a serial...)

The Last Samurai

MAN: Please go to Japan and show them your awesome ways!
[wields sword with awesomeness]

TOM CRUISE: I will be better than all the stupid Japanese Samurai 'cos I am awesome.

SAMURAI: You fight so awesomely well that we will train you to be the best Samurai!

TOM CRUISE: Yes, I am that friggin' awesome.

[later...]

TOM CRUISE: I have become the best Samurai ever, and am totally more Samurai than the rest.

GIRL: I love you whitey Samurai.

The End.