Condensed Film Scripts: Gigli

(Not to be confused with the musical Lerner & Lowe film, Gigi... because...no... that would just be wrong...)

* * *

Scene 1: Introduction

The Affleck: [generic urban gesture] Yo! F&$*ing hello there! I am Larry Gigli. I'm a low ranking mobster. It's f&$%ed up stuff! I've been commanded by my f&$!ing mob bosses to kidnap a disabled, Baywatch-obsessed boy who is the younger brother of a powerful federal prosecutor so I can save my mobster boss from prison. I am f&*#ing AWESOME.

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Scene 2: Gigli successfully convinces "Baywatch Brian" to go off with him by promising to take him "to the Baywatch..."

The Affleck: Wanna go to THE BAYWATCH?
Baywatch Brian: Wuh???
The Affleck: [under his breath] F&*#ing idiot. [unnervingly loud] You and me go to THE BAYWATCH????
Baywatch Brian: .... Uhhhhhh, okay.

* * *

Scene 3: However, for totally unexplained reasons, Gigli's boss Louis does not trust him and takes it upon himself to hire a woman named Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to take over the job. (Fine.) And thus... the Bennifer unfolds...

The Affleck: [inner monologue] I am so f%@*ing attracted to Ricki! I mean, F#¢&! How could I not be? Haven't you f$%@ing seen her doing f%^&ing "YOGA" in over two dozen f§%@ing shots?! Wow. She's pretty f%&^ing hot. [takes pause for a moment] but I resent the fact that my boss, doesn't have any f^%$ing faith in me and that I has to take orders from a [tone of marked derision] f@*&ing girl. [inner monologue complete.]

Baywatch Brian: Can we go to THE BAYWATCH???
The Affleck: Not right now.
Baywatch Brian: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?
The Affleck: No.
Baywatch Brian: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
The Affleck: Ugh! no! We cannot go to The Baywatch right now please just f&$*ing --- stop!

[He is also frustrated by Brian's insistence on going to The Baywatch; and oh yeah, Ricki's lesbianism which was JUST mentioned 2 seconds ago...]

* * *

Scene 4: Gigli and Ricki receive orders from Ray to cut off Brian's thumb. Neither of them wants to do it. They talk about it for literally 15 minutes.

The Affleck: What? That is f^&%ed up man! I ain't gonna do it!
The Lopez: You gotta! It's f%&^ing ORDERS.
The Affleck: Well I'm not gonna f$%&ing do it.
The Lopez: I'M not gonna f$&^ing do it.
The Affleck: Oh yes you f£^%ing ARE!

...etc for 15 minutes.

* * *

Scene 5: Ricki's girlfriend shows up at Gigli's apartment, accusing her of cheating.

[Knocking and hysterical crying at the door]

The Affleck: Umm.... is.... that your door? Are you expecting company? I mean...
The Lopez: It's my f^%*ing girlfriend. Hold on she's pretty f$@&ing crazy.
Crazy Girlfriend: YOU F&%*ING CHEATED ON ME YOU F&%@ING BI-ATCH!
The Lopez: WHATEVUH!

[The Lopez mildly overreacts by slitting her wrist. Fine.]

* * *

Scene 6: While at the hospital, Gigli goes to the morgue and cuts off a corpse's thumb, which he sends to his boss as Brian's thumb. Genius! Problem solved. Gigli and Ricki eventually go back to his apartment and engage in the following (condensed) conversation:

The Affleck: I f%*@ing love you.
The Lopez: Wanna f*&%?
The Affleck: What the f)*&. Yeah, okay.

[Hooray! And thank God things are picking up. But wait, not actually hooray because J-Lo is covered in a white sheet the entire time even though she is on top of him...aaaaaand how she manages that we may never know...]

* * *

Scene 7: The Affleck and Lopez are called to meet with the top mob boss Starkman (played, sadly, by a clueless-to-how-bad-this-movie-is Al Pacino), who shoots Gigli's immediate boss (remember Louis? I don't) dead.

Starkman is about to kill Benniffer as well, but The Lopez points out that only the three of them know what really happened (even though WE don't... but at this point don't even care), so Starkman allows them to leave, and take the brother back to "where they found him."

* * *

Scene 8: On the way, they discover Baywatch shooting an episode on the beach and in a staggering act of reckless abandonment leave Brian there... my GOD.

Music.

The End.

Thank the LORD.

* * *

Parting thoughts:

1. The f@$&ing-this-f%&*ing-that writing style gets real old pret-ty fast (Let's just say this: Mamet it absolutely ain't).

2. Juuuuust one lil' nitpick: there is this gimmick of having The Affleck resorting to reading ingredients labels because he has no books in the house. Then, in the next room The Lopez is shown with what?-- a flippin' book. Then later in the film Gigli's back to reading ingredients when there's another frickin book in the bedroom! Did anybody (proof)read this script?!!

3. Gigli had a giant tattoo that nobody ever comments on.

4. Advisory to anyone whose appetite is whetted by perusal of the cast list: The Al Pacino and Christopher Walken bits are just that.

5. Gigli focus groups demand new ending in which Affleck and Lopez die.