London Still: Vin Diesel: The Facts

First Prologue

They brought a woman
from the street
And made her
sit in the stalls
By threats
By bribes
By flattery
Obliging her to share
a little of her life
with actors

But I don't understand art

Sit still, they said

But I don't want to see sad things

Sit still, they said

And she listened to everything
Understanding some things
But not others
Laughing rarely,
and always without knowing why
Sometimes suffering disgust
Sometimes thoroughly amazed
And in the light again, said

If that's art I think it is hard work
It was beyond me
So much beyond my actual life

But something troubled her
Something gnawed her peace
And she came a second time, armoured with friends

Sit still, she said

And again,
she listened to everything
This time
understanding different things
This time
untroubled that some things
Could not be understood
Laughing rarely
but now without shame
Sometimes suffering disgust
Sometimes thoroughly amazed
And in the light again said

This is art,
it is hard work
And one friend said,
too hard for me
And the other said,
if you will
I will come again
Because I found it hard
I felt honoured

-- Howard Barker,
from The Bite of the Night

20 July, 2009

Vin Diesel: The Facts

The Fast and the Furious was on today. And it reminded me of a few given FACTS about the bad ass action hero superstar-o-rama that is Vin Diesel. I gave it some thought, and here are the facts:

- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures that Vin Diesel allows to live.

- Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

- When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

- Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis

- Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass... at night....

- If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he hadn't done this before Vin would reply "Because Grammys are for queers." Then he would eat a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

- When Vin Diesel does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he pushing the earth down.

- Vin Diesel coined the phrase "I could eat a horse" after eating every last unicorn in existence.

- Vin Diesel can win a game of monopoly without owning any property.

- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you... including the room itself...

...It's just the facts, ma'am.

10 comments:

AbiJuly 20, 2009
OKaaaaayyyy.. Al, just step away from the computer and go with the nice men wearing the white coats... lol!
HOpe you're well
Abi x
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AnonymousJuly 20, 2009
"Vin Diesel coined the phrase "I could eat a horse" after eating every last unicorn in existence."

---This is AMAZING... I'm having a fit of giggles with this image reeling through my imagination!
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geoJuly 21, 2009
love it!
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Hayley xJuly 22, 2009
made my day - major soft spot for mr diesel....and the hair comment YES YES YES!
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desperate housedivaJuly 22, 2009
My personal favorite is "Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit."
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desperate housedivaJuly 22, 2009
This comment has been removed by the author.
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CamJuly 26, 2009
All of these could be about fallen king Chuck Norris. When did Vin become the new Chuck?
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MariahJuly 26, 2009
yeah.... and chuck is way more scary.
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RachelJuly 26, 2009
swallowing the knife... genius
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affluencerealSeptember 03, 2022
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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