The blind-singing-Victorian-eaten-by-a-werewolf-"look as attractive as possible"-audition...

Tomorrow I have to audition for a film.

I was just speaking about this to a few actor friends last week. Why is it that when a really palatable job presents itself to you, you inevitably have to achieve the impossible on camera. The things we do to get a job (sigh). My favorite instruction of the day was to "look as attractive as possible..." whatever that slightly worryingly insinuates. Here are a few choice remarks people have asked of or said to me in order to prepare for auditions:

1. "See. We're gonna need you to create the physical comedy of the donkey yourself..."

2. "There isn't actually a script, so... yeah ..."

3. "Oh! Yes of course I forgot to ask if you have Chinese heritage?"

4. "You'll have to fake an American accent. Can you do that?"

and my absolute favorite:

5. "Does you get cold sores in real life? Because that would be great..."

But tomorrow takes the cake. Tomorrow I am being asked to sing a song from the Mikado, portraying a blind, Victorian parlour room entertainer. Oh and by the way she is blind. Fine. Then, halfway through the song, I have to react (blindly) to an invisible (but rampant) werewolf who breaks through the glass ceiling of the party and rabidly chases after the guests who all run away screaming (which all must be imagined of course, because it will really be a major movie star dressed in a blue suit). Then I have to portray the imaginary werewolf will slowly stalking up and breathing upon me. And then act as if I am being eaten by said invisible werewolf. 

um, WHAT?