This post is for every tender, brilliant, creatively exhausted soul who has said yes to an unpaid reading again, agreed to do someone’s weird indie podcast at midnight for “exposure,” or joined a 12-person devised theatre project because "you felt bad."
There’s a moment—just before you type “Sure!” or say “Happy to!”—when your stomach drops.
You know that feeling. That little whisper that says, I actually can’t. Or I don’t want to.
But you override it. Because you’re grateful. Or scared. Or simply trained.
You know that feeling. That little whisper that says, I actually can’t. Or I don’t want to.
But you override it. Because you’re grateful. Or scared. Or simply trained.
You know who you are. And? You are not alone.
Here’s what I want to tell you, with love and no apology:
You don’t have to take every gig.
You don’t have to say yes just because it’s “something.”
Saying no doesn’t make you difficult—it makes you sovereign.
You don’t have to say yes just because it’s “something.”
Saying no doesn’t make you difficult—it makes you sovereign.
Furthermore:
You don’t owe your creativity to hustle.
You don’t owe your art to pleasing others.
You owe yourself honesty.
You owe yourself honesty.
That might sound like:
“Thank you for thinking of me. I won’t be able to take this on right now.”
It’s tender. It’s brave. And it’s allowed.
Your “no” protects your art. Let it.
Let’s get into the full-body liberation that comes from saying “nah,” “no thank you,” “not for me,” and my personal favorite: “lol no.”
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1. Saying "No" Sets Boundaries — and Boundaries = Clarity
“No” is a door.
A boundary. A border. A line in the sand that says:
When you say “NO” with clarity, you give others the map to care for and respect you properly. Clarity is respectful. Without clarity, everyone is just guessing—and often guessing wrong.
“No” is a door.
A boundary. A border. A line in the sand that says:
“I matter, too.”
Repeat after me: “Boundaries are not cruelty.” What boundaries are are a series containers that helps us care for each other better, communicate limitations, and actually (statistically!) breed more trust, not less. Think of it this way: when we know where the lines on the road are, all parties relax and drive within the lines.
Boundaries are also how we love ourselves. They’re how we say, “I am a whole-ass person with limits and needs and a spine.”
As the great Dr. Brené Brown says:
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
But Artists, especially those of us who’ve ever gone through a dry spell (achem), often feel like we have to say yes to every crumb of opportunity, attention, or praise. Yet when you say yes to everything, you’re saying no to something else — like your time, your focus, or the sweet blessed act of sitting on your couch in silence eating honey mustard pretzels. So step one is first about knowing where your boundaries ARE, then practicing exercising them without having a people-pleasing meltdown.
💡 Try this:
• Prompt: “When I said 'yes' but wanted to say 'no,' what did it cost me?”
• Write: Write a list of your non-negotiables— times you’re unavailable, projects you don’t want to do, vibes you will not tolerate. (More on this exercise in the next post!)
• Action: Practice saying no to tiny things. Decline an invitation. Admit a limitation. Say no to cake (“Do you want dessert?” “No.” [But like… later, hell yes...]).
• Prompt: “When I said 'yes' but wanted to say 'no,' what did it cost me?”
• Write: Write a list of your non-negotiables— times you’re unavailable, projects you don’t want to do, vibes you will not tolerate. (More on this exercise in the next post!)
• Action: Practice saying no to tiny things. Decline an invitation. Admit a limitation. Say no to cake (“Do you want dessert?” “No.” [But like… later, hell yes...]).
PSA: Weathering the experience of not taking responsibility for other people's disappointment or squirrely reactions to the word "No," not because you lack accountability, but because not every emotional reaction is our responsibility, and disappointing someone's expectations is very different from causing harm.
2. Saying "No" Is Self-Care, Not Selfishness
The next time someone asks you to do something and your first instinct is to cancel your own needs to accommodate them, pause. You don’t have to justify rest. Saying “no” to a gig, a favor, or even a social invite doesn’t mean you’re lazy or ungrateful — it means you know your bandwidth.
The next time someone asks you to do something and your first instinct is to cancel your own needs to accommodate them, pause. You don’t have to justify rest. Saying “no” to a gig, a favor, or even a social invite doesn’t mean you’re lazy or ungrateful — it means you know your bandwidth.
Self-care isn’t about sheet masks and bubble baths. Care of Self looks like sending an email that says:
“Thank you for thinking of me—but I won’t be able to commit.”
You are allowed to protect your time, your energy, and your body. In fact, big picture? By doing do you are protecting your ability to keep serving the wider world long term. If life is a marathon and not a sprint, than making sure you don’t burn out in mile 1 is essential.
As Audre Lorde said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.” And I bet she didn’t write that quote while doing someone’s 11th rewrite for free.
💡 Try this:
• Prompt: “What would my ideal week look like if I said no to things that drained me?”
• Write: Make a “Hell Yes or No” list — if it’s not a full-body YES, it’s a polite NO.
• Action: Map out your schedule for the week. See what’s making your chest tighten? Start there.
3. Over-commitment = Slow Death and Burnout
There’s a very specific panic that comes from opening your calendar and seeing back-to-back commitments that sounded “manageable” when you agreed to them six weeks ago. Saying no helps keep your time, energy, and life force intact — so you can actually make that thing you’ve been dreaming about instead of ghostwriting someone else’s mediocrity.
There’s a very specific panic that comes from opening your calendar and seeing back-to-back commitments that sounded “manageable” when you agreed to them six weeks ago. Saying no helps keep your time, energy, and life force intact — so you can actually make that thing you’ve been dreaming about instead of ghostwriting someone else’s mediocrity.
Let me be blunt: if you say yes to everything, your work suffers. Your health suffers. Your people suffer because you become the cranky goblin version of yourself. Nobody wins.
Saying “no” reduces burnout
Over-commitment is a fast train to resentment.
And resentment is creativity’s death rattle.
If every “yes” is a withdrawal, then “no” is how you re-balance the books. Let yourself be a finite resource, not an infinite machine.
💡 Try this:
Over-commitment is a fast train to resentment.
And resentment is creativity’s death rattle.
If every “yes” is a withdrawal, then “no” is how you re-balance the books. Let yourself be a finite resource, not an infinite machine.
💡 Try this:
• Prompt: Ask yourself: "If I say 'yes' to this, what am I saying 'no' to?" Be honest.
• List: Inventory your current “yes” pile. Color-code by “joy,” “neutral,” and “WTF did I do this.”
• Action: Rehearse a graceful no: “Thank you for thinking of me! I can’t take that on right now.” (more on exactly how to craft these this in Part 2!)
• List: Inventory your current “yes” pile. Color-code by “joy,” “neutral,” and “WTF did I do this.”
• Action: Rehearse a graceful no: “Thank you for thinking of me! I can’t take that on right now.” (more on exactly how to craft these this in Part 2!)
4. Saying "No" Builds Confidence (and a Personality)
Confidence doesn’t magically appear. It comes from tiny, repeated acts of self-respect. Every time you say “no” with clarity and grace, you reinforce the truth that you matter. That your needs are real. That your time is valuable. That your boundaries are worth enforcing.
And suddenly, you’re not some trembling leaf hoping people like you— you’re a whole tree with roots, babe. Watch yourself stand taller.
Confidence doesn’t magically appear. It comes from tiny, repeated acts of self-respect. Every time you say “no” with clarity and grace, you reinforce the truth that you matter. That your needs are real. That your time is valuable. That your boundaries are worth enforcing.
And suddenly, you’re not some trembling leaf hoping people like you— you’re a whole tree with roots, babe. Watch yourself stand taller.
That’s the real muscle memory we need to build—not just for our art, but for our life.
💡 Try this:
• Prompt: “When did I say 'no' and feel proud of it?” Write the whole story. Including the "fallout," "consequences" and freedoms. Really examine which parts are yours and which are not.
• Action: Practice your "no" in increasing levels. Start with “I can’t,” then level up to “I don’t want to.” Own it.
• Track: Notice how much energy you save when you stop people-pleasing. Track that.
5. Healthy "No’s" Create Better Relationships
Contrary to your inner panic gremlin’s opinion, saying no does not mean everyone will hate you. In fact, clear boundaries make you easier to trust. People don’t have to guess where you stand.
Contrary to your inner panic gremlin’s opinion, saying no does not mean everyone will hate you. In fact, clear boundaries make you easier to trust. People don’t have to guess where you stand.
Saying “no” improves your relationships. When you say “yes” while seething on the inside, no one wins.
But when you say “no” with grace and clarity, you allow your relationships to be based on truth, not performance. Real love honors limits.
But when you say “no” with grace and clarity, you allow your relationships to be based on truth, not performance. Real love honors limits.
And if someone does get mad at your no? That tells you something important about them. Spoiler alert: It ain’t good.
💡 Try this:
• Action: Practice saying no to someone safe (like a friend who gets it)
• Action: If someone guilt-trips you, pause and breathe. That’s about them, not you.
• Prompt: “How do I feel when others say 'no' to me? Can I offer myself the same grace?”
6. Saying "No" Enriches Your Life
Every “no” is a secret “yes” to something else.
Yes to your rest.
Yes to your writing.
Yes to not doing it all.
Yes to integrity.
Your life deserves to be built on choices that align with you.
Every “no” is a secret “yes” to something else.
Yes to your rest.
Yes to your writing.
Yes to not doing it all.
Yes to integrity.
Your life deserves to be built on choices that align with you.
When you’re not constantly performing favors, chasing approval, or duct-taping yourself into projects that don’t align with your spirit, you can finally hear your own voice again. THAT is where the good stuff lives.
That’s where the best art is born. Not in the 14th “quick turnaround” you took out of guilt.
💡 Try this:
• Write: Write a mission statement for your artist life. Use it to guide your decisions (it'll help you when you get wobbly!)
• Action: Each week, say “no” to one thing that doesn’t serve you. See what happens.
• Prompt: “What do I want to make room for?”
7. Saying "No" Supports Mental Health
Chronic yes-ing is a trauma response. It’s rooted in fear of rejection, scarcity, and shame.
Your brain is not a bottomless buffet of resilience. Every “yes” chips away at your capacity. Saying no lets you preserve what matters. But healing begins when we realize: we don’t need to overgive to be
loved. You are allowed to say no without explanation—and still be good,
kind, and worthy.
It is an act of trust— in yourself, your future, and your worth. It is the artist’s version of spiritual exfoliation: clear away the gunk so you can SHINE.
💡 Try this:
• Observe: Notice the difference between “obligation yes” and “aligned yes.”
• Action: De-clutter your to-do list with the Marie Kondo method in reverse: does it spark dread? Toss it.
• Prompt: “What would it feel like to protect my peace like it was my [INSERT high-stakes answer here: i.e child/ identity/paycheck]?”
Conclusion (Or: A Love Note Wrapped in a “No”)
Saying no is not selfish. It’s not rude. It’s not a luxury reserved for the confident, the famous, or the “already successful.” It is a muscle. And the more you use it, the stronger it gets. So here’s your permission slip to say no— loudly, softly, awkwardly, eloquently, whatever works.
Say it while shaking. Say it with snacks nearby. Say it and then log off. Say it for the you that knows what you’re capable of.
Your “no” is a gift.
To your creativity.
To your nervous system.
To your future self.
To your creativity.
To your nervous system.
To your future self.
Let your no’s be clean. Let your yeses be whole.
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