Things I'm Absolutely NOT Interested in: a List

- Your detailed story about your ‘problematic journey’ here. Just say you are sorry you were late. Maybe mention train delays or traffic but move on. NO ONE cares about the minutia. Literally no one.

- Your birth video. (Put it away, Karen)

- Small talk. (Oh my God. My version of hell is an endless cocktail party of small talk and no alcohol to ease the burdens of said small talk and also, it’s so so hot in this windowless cocktail party room, and also there’s no ice in the non-alcoholic drinks because it’s hell)

- Racism / Fascism / Hate / Violence. (Obviously)

- The episodes of Murder She Wrote that Angela Lansbury introduces, but is not in. (Sorry Dennis Stanton, I like you, but not enough.)

- Hallmark (specifically, Christmas) movies.

- Curated Instagram feeds

- Perfection

- Cancel culture.

- Green peppers. (Life is too short and listen to me: I’m not disgusted by them, this isn’t cottage cheese, but I will not eat a pepper so stop putting them in literally everything)

- BUFFETS. (Especially post COVID? I mean OHMYGOD. I know I just said I’m against Cancel Culture but can we agree that buffets are now canceled?)

- How much you did or did not pay for [INSERT THING HERE] you now own.

- Photos of sourdough starter

- Karaoke.

- Discussing mine OR your dietary restrictions at length (meaning, for longer than the 60 seconds it takes to prevent either one of us from dying), and certainly with any level of sincerity. (LET ME LIVE, KAREN!!)

- Going on a cruise. As a passenger. As a performer. As a HUMAN.     
    Don’t ask me. Don’t come for me. It’s never going to happen.
    In fact, my mother and I have code language for emergencies— meaning, say, we have been kidnapped. Or we are “ready to check out of this life” and would like the other to casually “look away.” (I know this sounds a little ghoulish but honestly, everyone should have emergency and end-of-life conversations way before it’s a reality but I digress…)
    ANYWAY, my mother’s code phrase is “AL? I AM GOING ON A CRUISE!” And why is that her code phrase? Because there is NO UNIVERSE in which my mother or my sane self would EVER willingly go on a cruise without being held at gunpoint, and thus, the declaration of her going on a cruise MUST be an indicator of an emergency.

- What you think of me.

- ROMPERS.