07 September, 2020

Labor [Day] of Love

On this Labor Day, 2020, I imagine we are all feeling peculiar things about the concept of “labor” in a world largely on pause.

Many of us as performing artists have been abandoned and ridiculed by our government for not having a “real job.” To that I reply with Nick Westrate's brilliant quote:
 
“A labor of love is still labor.”
 
So on this unusual Labor Day, let’s talk about this glorious labor of love.
 
During “Master Class,” the genius that is Tyne Daly taught me a phrase that her actress-mother taught her:
 
    “Deeper. Fuller. Richer. Better.”
 
I think that sums it up as well as anything ever could. It’s my intention, it is my aspiration, it is my devotion.
 
Over the years, I’ve learned this:
 

Give fewer F*CKS and way more DAMNS!
 
To give fewer F*CKS about the stuff that does NOT truly matter (praise, awards, fame, followers), and a lot more *DAMNS* about the stuff that does (ethics, courage, growth, lessons learned, relationships made, contributions to society at large). It’s less about me and more about how I can stay connected to my core values and above all, to SERVE.

So. On this Labor Day I am vowing to continue to create and make works that matter to me personally as well as socially. I want to continue to learn new things and sharpen old knives. I intend to make personal, profound, universal, connective, and relevant work that matters to humanity on any scale.
 
I intend to keep walking my talk.
 
What about you, friends?
 
Happy Labor Day, one and all.
May we all continue to labor in love.



23 August, 2020

Things I Miss: a List, Part 1

Jake. Gone too soon.
- Our beautiful ginger cat (who came to mom and I after Papa died), Jake. He was "The Man" of the family and an absolute sweetheart. Gone too soon at only 7. 


- Answering machines (and their answering machine messages)

    We had a particularly spectacular one in the 90s. I wrote the lyrics and sang it at the age of 10 or 11? Not sure. It was performed at 100-no-marking (obviously, some things never change) to a karaoke CASSETTE of the theme song from “The Addams Family. I then leisurely popped that masterpiece into our answering machine and used it as our answering machine message for OH, maybe nine years? Like, even when my Dad had cancer.

The lyrics went like this: 

    “You called us when we weren’t here
    but there is no need to fear 
    we’ll get right back to you, dear

    The Silber Family. 

    Oh 647-6759
    we’re sure to call you back on time
    and it won’t even cost a dime
    The Silber Family — WAIT FOR THE BEEP
        *snap snap*


    People used to hang up and call BACK to an encore. I vividly remember my Dad’s oncology nurses calling back and hearing nothing but their collective, explosive laughter. That was nice.
    It’s about as famous as I could ever feel at the time without being a creepy child actor. Because I was VOICEMAIL MESSAGE FAMOUS.



- Handshakes 

- Combing the shelves of Blockbuster and picking out videos to rent (and probably picking up some RedVines, let’s be real…)

Fetzer.
- Sometimes, my long hair 

- My friend, David Fetzer (and holding his hand which fit so perfectly in my own)

- Trick-or-treating


- Dad. Always.

- This particular version of myself:




20 August, 2020

The “HOPE-O-COASTER.”

 Here we go again. These are (just the *non hospital-administered*) medications associated with my auto immune disease: Ulcerative Colitis.

One of the leading causes of flareups is stress, and despite “doing everything right,” the stress of a global Pandemic has me flaring—and out of remission—or the first time in years.

To say that I’m heartbroken, crushed and disappointed...is putting it mildly. The excruciating physical symptoms and side effects of the drugs are *nothing* compared to the emotional “HOPE-O-COASTER.” Nothing compared to living in a constant state of health-related vigilance married with hope... followed by what feels like crushing “failure” when a proposed solution doesn’t work out.

But I am not a failure! And I share this today because if YOU are living with chronic illness and experiencing setbacks—NEITHER ARE YOU. These were challenging times even before the Coronavirus pandemic, and no solution is one size fits all. The human body is a miracle, and can also be a great big jerk! It’s both. It’s all.

Normally I would keep this information private, but I realized years ago that when I shared my #autoimmunewarrior journey, SO many of you out there were/are suffering in silence all alone (just like I used to!) —out of shame, embarrassment, and fear of being misunderstood or losing friends or work opportunities. I am here to de-stigmatize.

I’m here to tell you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am not ashamed of what my body does against my will. I am still loved, I can still adore and support my friends; AND, not only can I still work, but (if I may say so!) I am crushing it! I have discovered unknown strengths and grace! 💪🏼 I don’t think my current colleagues would know a thing was wrong with me if I didn’t inform them because Chrons and colitis is manageable and can even illuminate untold levels of integrity and capacity.

I am HERE. I am ALIVE. I am THRIVING inside this. 

And so can you dear fellow warriors. 

I love you.

Finally, auto-immunity compromises the immune system. That makes me (and all others like me with all auto-immune diseases) in the high risk group for COVID. Please think of me when you wear a mask.


 

16 August, 2020

Things I want to remember about this week 8/10 - 8/17, 2020: A List

 - Leaving a Pittsfield Mass Walgreen and seeing a man with a baby stroller buying 27 cans of Fruit Punch flavored Arizona ice tea… and in the baby stroller was not a baby? But a CAGED SQUIRREL

- Talking with Alec about expanding buying a car! (An adorable vintage 1985 BMW 528e we are named Brunhilde thankyouverymuch)

- Hearing the story of Alexandra and Etai getting engaged (eeeeee)

- The appointment of Kamala Harris as Joe Biden's 2020 running-mate. (HERSTORY!)

- SINGING IN A REHEARSAL ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE MARCH 13 2020 and having absolutely zero words to describe the 10,000 sensations. 

One second it’s:

“OH MY GOD THE THEATRE!!!!”

The next:

This isn’t the same... will it EVER be the same?

The next:

But I’m HERE!

The next:

Will I DIE?! Is this safe?"


- COVID-negative approved HUGS

- The extremely grouchy man at the wonderful Round Tuit

- Face-timing with Katie and Alan and Tom 

- Drinks and deep talks with Alysha and Storm (defining the very special joys of out-of-town theatre)

- Socially-distant visits with friends I haven't seen in what feels like years! 

- Making art. However cautiously. 

- Bringing my vocal chords together to make music. Incredibly emotionally.

- Parting from Alec for the first time in 145 days (and when we parted, weeping like a toddler being dropped off on the first ever day of school)


Truly: WTF.


29 June, 2020

Recently Discovered: a List

- That I quite like cooking

- That every single episode of Matlock is available on YouTube

- Maple syrup on things that aren’t pancakes (thank you ALEC, who is from VERMONT, and thus a Maple syrup guru)

- New growth on a plant I was [throw-a-funeral-for-it] certain, was dead!

- That the gray pattern on my hairline is exactly the same as my Dad’s

- That I need [new] glasses

- The sun pouring through the living rooms windows onto the sofa, in a particular spot in between 5 and 8 pm that Tati luxuriates in (she is the ultimate sun-worshipper) that fills our home with light and warmth and hope! this brings me much joy.

- That being “in my prime” also means I am HURTLING toward middle age and you know what? I’m totally okay with it.


16 June, 2020

"Spectacular" Accidents I have had: a List

the broken finger.
- age four, I was on a scooter at pre-school, and accidentally ran the scooter over a rogue piece of chain and landed on my face

- age five, on stage during a camp theatre performance of “Heaven Hop.” A Jealous older girl tripped me during the tap break. I fell flat on my face, the audience gasped, I got right back up and kept tapping. PRO! (There is video.)

- age sixteen, an innocent scratch turned into a corneal ulcer in my right eye at summer camp. Almost lost the eye. I didn’t.

- age seventeen. The worst wisdom tooth surgery you’ve ever imagined. Imagine something bad: then triple it. That was me. 



Nothing to see here. Literally.
- age twenty-four. I had an allergic reaction to *something* I cannot possibly detect, but it was epic. It made the right side of my face explode and we had to cancel two shows of Fiddler (in London)because we didn't have enough understudies. In short: My face healed. We got more understudies.

- age twenty-seven, I smashed the bones in the middle finger of my left hand with a 15-lb hand weight. It instantly turned black. 


- age thirty, I...left the bathtub running, and the water flooded literally my entire apartment. Mom was here and announced chirpily "Well, FLOOR'S CLEAN!" Claaaaassic #MamaSilbs.

- age thirty-two — thirty-six where do I even begin with accidents/injuries/mayhem regarding my Ulcerative Colitis? I won’t bother to but suffice it to say it began as not hilarious and is now, ALL, quite hilarious.  


- age thirty-five. I ...fell off of a motorized bicycle and landed on my face. [*Pause for sound FX*] 
     Let me explain. My big brother Jordan? He has the charisma of a CULT LEADER, and because of this special skill, he has the magical ability to convince me (and others!) to do things they maaaaayyyyybe should ask a few follow-up questions about, without asking even a single follow-up question. 
JUST before!
     Jordan made BIKING on a slightly-too-large motorized bike to and from a restaurant in Corte Madera, California, sound like the best idea EVER. And the biking back home in the dark on a path with no streetlights? AMAZING IDEA! It started off brilliantly, but then I miscalculated a turn whilst also miscalculating a HILL (thanks, Northern California), and I flipped off the bike (at a zillion miles per hour) and broke my fall with? MY FACE. 
     I still bear the scars. 

AFTER! OMFG!
     As a hilarious epilogue? Probably 12 police officers and medics came to my aid that night. (Possibly the entire Corte Madera police department? Unsure.) They were so nice to me. In awe of my sense of humor at the situation and didn't pester me when I declined to go to the hospital. A few minutes in, "Officer Scott's" radio blares: there's been a noise complaint in the district. There is a barking dog that "needs attending to." Officer Scott went to go take care of it. Before Officer Scott left I said (my face melting off and bleeding) "So what you're saying, boys, is that on this Saturday night in Corte Madera, the main action is ME... and a barking dog?" 
     The entire department called me on speakerphone the following day to "check-in." 
     All this to say: Thanks, Corte Madera Police and Medic dudes! You didn't shame me for being a total idiot, and I don't think anyone has ever cared more about my well being than my own mom. I hope the situation with the dog turned out okay. 

- age thirty-six, a beetle flew into my face in a subdivision and, in slapping it off my face in horror, I obliterated the mailbox of a local woman. I apologized (of course, of course, I’m not a monster). Paid for a new mailbox. Got her tickets to the play. 


JB: appalled at me.








02 June, 2020

Hopeful Things: a List

  • Blank canvases
  • Blank Pages
  • Seed packets
  • New plants
  • Train tickets
  • Future dreams
  • The sight of a surprise parcel waiting outside your door
  • Rolls of film
  • Collaborations with gifted and respected artistic colleagues
  • New (beautiful) pens
  • Helping my neighbors
  • Making a new friend
  • Smiling at a stranger
  • A freshly made bed
  • New blank notebooks
  • The thought of a small child named Volodia, documenting a 1924 Soviet Leningrad with an unwieldy large format camera
  • The first of the month
  • 15 minutes just before dawn
  • Learning a new word
  • Seeing the world through the eyes of my nieces
my new plants: bringing the outside, in

31 May, 2020

'Hope' By Langston Hughes

Sometimes when I’m lonely,
Don’t know why,
Keep thinkin’ I won’t be lonely
By and by.


Art from Trees at Night by Art Young, 1926. (Available as a print.)

30 May, 2020

Books I read in May: a list

books I read (or re-read) in may:

Severence by Ling Ma

A Poetry Handbook by Mary Oliver

Owl at Home by Arnold Lobel

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

Hebrew for Dummies

So Sad Today by Melissa Broder

Wayyyyyy too many articles about the Corona Virus thankyouverymuchandgoodnight


18 May, 2020

Things I'm Absolutely NOT Interested in: a List

- Your detailed story about your ‘problematic journey’ here. Just say you are sorry you were late. Maybe mention train delays or traffic but move on. NO ONE cares about the minutia. Literally no one.

- Your birth video. (Put it away, Karen)

- Small talk. (Oh my God. My version of hell is an endless cocktail party of small talk and no alcohol to ease the burdens of said small talk and also, it’s so so hot in this windowless cocktail party room, and also there’s no ice in the non-alcoholic drinks because it’s hell)

- Racism / Fascism / Hate / Violence. (Obviously)

- The episodes of Murder She Wrote that Angela Lansbury introduces, but is not in. (Sorry Dennis Stanton, I like you, but not enough.)

- Hallmark (specifically, Christmas) movies.

- Curated Instagram feeds

- Perfection

- Cancel culture.

- Green peppers. (Life is too short and listen to me: I’m not disgusted by them, this isn’t cottage cheese, but I will not eat a pepper so stop putting them in literally everything)

- BUFFETS. (Especially post COVID? I mean OHMYGOD. I know I just said I’m against Cancel Culture but can we agree that buffets are now canceled?)

- How much you did or did not pay for [INSERT THING HERE] you now own.

- Photos of sourdough starter

- Karaoke.

- Discussing mine OR your dietary restrictions at length (meaning, for longer than the 60 seconds it takes to prevent either one of us from dying), and certainly with any level of sincerity. (LET ME LIVE, KAREN!!)

- Going on a cruise. As a passenger. As a performer. As a HUMAN.     

    Don’t ask me. Don’t come for me. It’s never going to happen.
    In fact, my mother and I have code language for emergencies— meaning, say, we have been kidnapped. Or we are “ready to check out of this life” and would like the other to casually “look away.” (I know this sounds a little ghoulish but honestly, everyone should have emergency and end-of-life conversations way before it’s a reality but I digress…)
    ANYWAY, my mother’s code phrase is “AL? I AM GOING ON A CRUISE!” And why is that her code phrase? Because there is NO UNIVERSE in which my mother or my sane self would EVER willingly go on a cruise without being held at gunpoint, and thus, the declaration of her going on a cruise MUST be an indicator of an emergency.

- What you think of me.

- ROMPERS.



10 May, 2020

Things I want to remember about this week 5/3 - 5/10: a list

 - Two little kids in masks, looking longingly at the playground that was locked up.


- GET THIS: A CORGI *PUPPY*

- New growth on my plants

- Alec learning all about how to cook with salt. Adorable.  


- Sunday, a gorgeous day by the river

- Monday, a miserable day by the river in which I kept saying “MISERY” out loud until Alec relented and agreed to go home

- A reunion of our London Indecent company for what would have been our final

performance. Ale Brider.

- Tati asleep in the middle of the bed LIKE SHE OWNED THE PLACE

- A woman, kissing her partner in a nurse uniform, as he boards the ferry to manhattan from Astoria dock…




07 May, 2020

WhatsOnStage Q & A: Pandemic Edition

1) Who are you locked down with?

My extremely fabulous and famous cat— Tatiana Angela Lansbury Romanov, who is a “great teacher” in this time of self-isolation. She leads by example, you see, for Tati has been practicing social-distancing and an excessive amount of permissive self-love, every day of her fabulous life.

Tati is not a “doing” she is a “being.” In times of anxiety I will gaze over at Tati and ask: “Tati, what would YOU do?” And her forthright little face will silently say “Why yes Hooman, you MAY take a fifth nap. Now scratch my cheeks and give me a treat, if you please.”

Like I said: she is my teacher. She’s basically The Buddha. Or Miss Piggy. Or a divine mixture of both.

Oh and right right right: Alec — my lovely partner (also an actor, of the classical variety). He’s here too.


The cast of Indecent, on ZOOM!
2) What are you missing most during lockdown?
I miss the gratification of firm handshakes, warm embraces, pub quizzes, dinner parties, the holy coming-together experienced in a theatre, sitting without anxiety beside a stranger, lipstick that doesn’t get smudged by a protective mask,  a stranger’s smile across the full view of their face, sharing a meal at a bustling restaurant.

I am missing the cast and production of Indecent at the Menier Chocolate Factory. It was special.

Ya know: life itself.


3) What's your default Pick-Me-Up show tune?
Oh, this one is easy: Run Freedom, Run.

Now. It is very important that I tell you how I do NOT regularly have show tunes on my playlists (it kind of feels like “work” now that it is, well, my work.)

The point is this: ONE SONG ALWAYS REMAINS EASILY ACCESSIBLE… and that, my friends, is "Run Freedom, Run..."

In the Original Broadway Cast recording, Hunter Foster sings the main thrust of the song as protagonist Bobby Strong, with epic contributions from the entire cast.

A few years ago I shared a dressing room "area" with Hunter Foster (we bonded doing “Extremely Downtown New York Artsy Theatre”). I felt a bit sheepish because I didn't know how to accurately express to him JUST how often “Run Freedom, Run” had gotten me out of bed in the morning, or how many times it had turned a bad day around. Oh! The status it held on my mid-Naughties iPod! The glory of it!

Has it made an appearance or five throughout the Pandemic? Naturally.


4) Favourite box-set binge?

This is the easiest answer in all the world for you see, I am Dame Angela Lansbury’s biggest fan. She is my only idol. And thus, I own the entire 12 season box set of Murder, She Wrote and it has gotten EXTENSIVE use during this pandemic.

Murder, She Wrote is camp, yes and dated, sure sure. But it is also soothing, calming, non-violent, and excuse me: the entire premise is the very definition of a strong, independent woman, who happens to be in the third act of her life, kicking ass and taking names across the globe, in glamorous 90s attire, while answering to no one but her own values and New England horse sense.

I love this show.

I can name the episodes by actual title and recall their season and episode number. I WILL beat you at a trivia contest about it for my love for “The Lans” and this iconic television program is the Iconic Comfort TV hill I will die on.


5) What's the When-I-Get-Some-Time project that you are hoping to tackle during lockdown?

- I am journaling, embracing Quiet, and writingwritingwriting more for myself (and less for the publishers) than ever.
- I am also taking such luxurious, indulgent periods writing some very exciting things, for publishers.
- And I’ve installed a shelf
- …and maybe I’ll re-paint the foyer.

But listen: productivity does not a “better” Pandemic experience make. Don’t compare and despair your Quarantine with someone else’s projection of their quarantine on social media. The world is aching. It’s okay to just be.

I am allowing myself permission to not “achieve” a thing, to truly face and embrace The Quiet, and I am trying to learn from it.
I cook nourishing things.
I care for Tatiana and my lovely house plants (and taking great joy in caring for living things within the walls of my apartment).
I contact friends
    and teach online.
I sleep.
I think a lot about what this all “means” for humanity and our planet…

All this to say, dear readers: in times like these, your best is more than enough.




6) What are you currently reading?

I am reading voraciously (one of my very favourite activities!)

I’d be remiss to not humbly suggest reading one of my books After Anatevka or White Hot Grief Parade (or, perhaps you’d like me to read them to you, on Audible?)

But I love getting lost in a book, and here are some of my suggestions for Quarantine Books:

- Part 1. Books about Plague! 
- Part 2. Books for The Quiet
- Part 3. Memoirs: make some “new friends!"


7) Have you cleaned out your kitchen cupboards? If so, what's the oldest thing you found?

Oh man: you don’t wanna know. But trust me when I tell you it was akin to unearthing that crayon I ate in kindergarten.


8) If you could take a virtual tour of any building in the world which one would it be?

Well, luckily we all already got a Twitter tour of Patti Lupone’s house.
So. There’s that.

But truthfully: if I could spend my entire life, on or offline, in the Tate Modern, I would.


9) How many loo rolls do you really have in your house?

Before the crisis, I had a pretty nice stash! I think I have 12 left of an 18 pack and let’s be real: if anyone needs more than that in a fortnight, they’d need to call a doctor for the much bigger problem they clearly have…


10) If you decided to learn a new language during lockdown, which one would it be and why?
Hebrew.

I actually spent the last year learning and becoming more familiar with Hebrew because I had an adult Bat Mitzvah in December!

I’ve been getting more and more in touch with the historical, ancestral and spiritual side of my experience of Judaism in the last few years, the Bat Mitzvah experience really marking that “officially,” so why not extend it linguistically as well?

I thought this would be an ideal time to take that learning to the next level and try to improve my modern conversational Hebrew (seeing as Biblical Hebrew is a lot like the difference between modern English and Shakespeare, for example—technically the “same” but syntactically very different). It’s been a joy and a great mental challenge.

It’s going well. Shalom, all!


11) Which board game would you choose to while away an evening?

So my partner Alec is so into board games it is a *thing* in our household.  He watches YouTube channels of these complex games with live-action gameplay. He reports back.

I’ll enter a room and he’ll be on a video call with his best friend in Chicago saying things like
    “Well, as the leader of the Hills and Plains, I declare war on thee!”
Or,
    “If we can take Irkutsk we can take the East!”
Or,
    “Lords, ladies, we must face the ogre and steal back our MEAD!”
And other such profoundly committed, intensely nerdy things about cards or trolls… or espionage.
I dunno.
It’s a lot.
But adorable enough to be in a committed relationship with.
Wine O' Clock!

Before COVID19 my favorite game was if you can believe it, called Pandemic. “Pandemic" is “one of the best cooperative board games out there,” says Alec, emphatically (and also, I guess… the gaming internet?) It’s about coming together to stop a Global Pandemic. Needless to say, we have NOT indulged in it, ya know: recently.

We’ve enjoyed "Ticket to Ride," “Arboretum" and good old fashioned gin rummy. Alec wins almost all the games (to his great delight, for he is a Capricorn, and though a good sport, quite competitive) except gin rummy for which I am undefeated thankyouverymuch.


12) What time is Wine-O'Clock in your house?
 It’s noon *somewhere* you guys.